


Pure Beauty

by Samunderthelights



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-02-10 12:59:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12912420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: First of all, let me explain to you who I am. My name is Sirius. Sirius Black. I'm at boarding school with my three best mates. James Potter, the spoiled brat. Peter Pettigrew, a creepy little... And shy guy Remus Lupin. But what a pure beauty he is... And Remus and I are going on a trip to France together. What could possibly go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

First of all, let me explain to you who I am. My name is Sirius. Sirius Black.

I am nothing special. Not really. Not to my parents at least. They think I’m shit. Pure stinking shit. So they sent me off to boarding school at the age of twelve. But don’t feel sorry for me. Boarding school is alright. But then again, after living with my family, I’m sure I even would’ve liked living in a dumpster somewhere in a back alley in some goddamned forgotten town.  
But they sent me off to London. This is where I met my three best mates. James was the first boy I met when I first arrived at Holyshite boarding school. Obviously that’s not what it is really called, but that’s what we’ll call it for now. James Potter was a spoiled little brat, anyone could see it, and I wanted to punch the little shit in the face, until I got punched in the face by some other shit, and James picked me up from the ground. Perhaps he wasn’t such a little shit after all. We got talking, and we quickly became friends. Which was a good thing, because the spoiled little brat was my roommate.  
A year later, a fat and ugly little boy started following us. He had creepy little eyes, that kept following us around the room. A right little creep he was. But hey, he wouldn’t stop following us, so we invited him to our table for lunch. And Peter Pettigrew joined our little group. A creepy little fucker, but a nice kid anyway.  
I don’t think we ever considered adding another boy to our group. We were fine, the three of us. Me, the useless fuck, James, spoiled little brat, Peter, creepy little fucker. We were perfectly fine, the three of us. But then, when we were fifteen, things changed at Holyshite boarding school. A new headmaster was assigned, and he decided that instead of two boys in a room, there should now be four boys in a room. Because yes, let’s stuff even more boys into the building. More money for the old fucking bastards who don’t even want to teach us. Well, the money probably didn’t even go to our teachers. Probably to some rich fuck who owns the building. The three of us got put into a room, together with a new boy, Remus Lupin. A tall, shy boy, who hardly said a word. For the first three weeks, we only knew his name. Until James accidentally vomited all over one of his books after getting drunk. He lost it, called us names that none of us had even heard of. We liked the kid, and decided that he would join our group.  
So that is pretty much where we’re still at now. Only we’re seventeen now, still stuck at Holyshite. And we’ve got one more year to go before we can be free and fly off into the world, spread our wings. Or whatever the fuck it was that it said in the brochure we got last week. It was all about planning our future, thinking ahead. What the fuck is all that about? No one ever told us about planning our future before now? The future is far away, isn’t it? No one told us that we need to think about it now. I don’t even have time to think about it now. I really, god honest, cannot be bothered, thinking about the future. I’ll think about it when it gets here.

“So what are you doing during the spring holiday?”  
Peter is on his bed, biting his nails, his ratty little eyes looking over at me. Right old creepy little fucker he is.  
“Fuck knows,” I say. Like I just explained, I cannot be bothered thinking about the future. Too busy. With what? Fuck knows. I’m just too fucking busy.  
“Aren’t you going home?”  
He knows I’m not going home. In all the years he has known me, I have never once gone home. Not for Christmas, not during the summer, not in weekends. Not once. So why the fuck would I go home now?  
“I’m going home,” he announces. “There’s this girl…”  
Great, here he goes. There’s probably some poor girl living near his childhood home, on whom he’ll be spying all summer with his creepy ratty eyes. Really, he’s a nice guy, but god can he be creepy. Once, there were girls over at Holyshite, for a dance, and most of us talked to them, or danced with them, as you do. Not Peter. Peter just stared at them. All night, he stared at them with his creepy little eyes.  
“That’s great,” I say, when he’s done telling me about the girl. Have I listened to a word he said. Of course not. I know, I know, I’m a terrible friend. I’ll buy him a beer next time, and then it’s all fine again. See, my conscious is clear. There you go.

“Are you not coming to the pub?” James asks. Remus is in bed, reading a book, while the three of us are ready to go.  
“We’re too young to go to the pub,” he says, not even looking up. Goddammit Remus, stop being so god awfully boring.  
“Fake ID’s.”  
James holds up four plastic cards, which he had received this morning from some guy in a year above us. They cost James a fortune, but to him it wasn’t a big deal. He simply asked his parents for more, and they gave it to him. Spoiled brat. I’m glad he is though, or I wouldn’t have had a fake ID, and I wouldn’t have been able to get really fucking pissed tonight. And I want to get really fucking pissed tonight, because tomorrow is a day I do not want to face. Not sober at least. So I need to drink enough to still be pissed tomorrow.  
“Please tell me that is not a fake ID with my picture on it,” Remus says, now looking up, and a big grin appears on James’ face. “What if a teacher finds it? Do you have any idea how much trouble we’ll be in? How much trouble I’ll be in? And it isn’t even mine!”  
“Mhm… it looks to me like it is yours…” James laughs, holding up the card, looking at the picture.  
“James, I…”  
“Well, since you’ll get into trouble anyway, you might as well use it, right?”  
“You give me that card, and I’ll keep it safe.”  
“Sorry, no can do,” James laughs, and he hands me the card. Remus gets out of bed, puts his book away, and comes up to me.  
“Give me the card.”  
“No can do.” I laugh, and I shove the card down my pants. If it would’ve been James or Peter, they would’ve grabbed the card, no matter where I would’ve shoved it. Not Remus. Shy Remus. Too shy to take the card from me. He looks down at the area where the card must be, and you can almost hear his brain process it, consider the options, and I can’t help but laugh, because his cheeks turn a dark shade of red.  
“So you’re coming then?” James laughs, and Remus sighs and shakes his head.  
“I’ve got no choice, do I? I need to make sure you morons don’t lose that card.”  
“Good.”  
And off we go. When you’re younger, you’re not allowed to leave Holyshite. Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re never allowed to leave Holyshite, but when you’re older, they stop giving a fuck. You become your own responsibility. As we get onto the bus, there are three older ladies, and they look at us as though we’re about to rob them. As if.  
Sure, we look like shit. Not James, obviously. James looks like a spoiled rich kid. His clothes are worth more than a country estate, I’m sure. His dark hair is a mess, but somehow it just makes him look posh, his glasses balanced perfectly on his nose. His face handsome as anything. He is one of those rich kids, with rich parents, who are handsome, with handsome parents, who have paintings of themselves hanging over a fireplace. And James will go on to have handsome kids, with estates, and paintings of themselves hanging over a fireplace. And that’s how it will go on. No one will ever glare at them. No old ladies will ever be scared of them. But Peter, Remus and I? Well, I can’t say I blame the old hags for glaring at us. I’ve explained how Peter looks. Creepy little fucker. Hardly ever washes his clothes. Got holes in them. His hair is all ratty, because he chops it himself. His nails all dirty and chewed off. A ratty, creepy little fucker. Nice kid though. Would never hurt an old lady. I think. It wouldn’t surprise me if one day he turns out to be one of those psycho killers, who ends up on a murdering spree. But still, for now, nice kid.  
Me? I probably remind them of Oliver Twist. Not the poor little boy, but the little thieves. Like I said, my parents think I’m shit. They don’t send me any money. So I get my clothes by stealing it out of dumpsters, or laundry baskets at school. There’s a special dumpster at Holyshite, where you can dump old clothes, for charity. It’s where I get most of my stuff. Most of it stinks, or looks like it’s been chewed on by rats. But hey, I’ve got to wear something. But that’s just clothes. Old ladies should know better than to judge on that, shouldn’t they? But I guess the rest isn’t much better. My face is nothing special, just a normal, random face. It must be the dark eyes and the messed up hair that does it. Since I was little, people kept telling my parents that I would be trouble. They saw it in my eyes. Very dark. It’s not my fucking fault that my eyes turned out dark. Blame fucking genetics. My hair however, I do have to take the blame for. I asked James to cut it, when we were pissed on beers that some older guys had snuck into Holyshite. So a pissed James cut off my hair, which by that point, was in a ponytail. I hadn’t cut it for years. I really couldn’t be bothered. The fucker simply cut off the ponytail, made some extra cuts, and left it at that. So yes, I look like a real fucking mess.  
And Remus? He could look great, if he made an effort. But he cares too much about his books, about getting good grades. He forgets about himself. I suppose it doesn’t help that he doesn’t have any money either. It made him my thieving buddy. We steal clothes together. Remus is a good guy, he hates breaking rules. But he hates walking around naked more. So he doesn’t have much of a choice. The bad thing is, he is very tall. Most of the students aren’t. So he has to steal teachers’ clothes, and he ends up dressed half as a teenager, half as an old man. A weird, messed up look. A poor man’s look, I suppose. A poor tall man’s look. His dark hair could be nice, if he made an effort, which he doesn’t. He made James cut it, when he wasn’t pissed. And it looks alright, crooked, a bit fucked, but alright. But the combination of his half teenage, half old man, half forgotten about himself, half crooked hair. It makes him look a bit of a mess. Also, four halves isn’t a thing. I’m shit at maths. But if the old ladies just looked at his face a bit better, they’d know that he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Have I mentioned that Remus is beautiful. Not handsome like James Potter. Not pretty, like some boys. He would never be able to become a model. No, Remus is beautiful. I have never met a guy as beautiful as Remus before. His eyes are kind, his smile humble, shy, but warm. Pure, fucking beauty.


	2. Chapter 2

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

“I told you they’d work.” James puts down four beers, as he joins us at the table. “Well, I’ve only tried out mine. But, you know.”  
“Awesome,” Peter says, and he grabs a beer, and gulps it down in one go.  
“You can have mine,” Remus says, handing me his beer. He knows how pissed I want to get tonight. Great fucking friend, Remus Lupin is. The best friend I have, actually.  
“Come on, Remus, have a beer,” James says, but Remus shakes his head.  
“The dance tomorrow is important. They are actually paying attention this time, to how you interact with each other, with the girls from…”  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they give you grades. Fuck that, if you just chat one of the girls up, have a little snog, I’m sure you’ll get a good grade. That’s interacting, isn’t it?” James laughs, and Peter laughs a little too loud. Obsessed with James, he is. Obviously wanting to be like him. Never going to happen, mate. Never going to happen.  
“It is, but…,” Remus tries, but Peter’s laughing is too loud, too idiotic, so he just stops.  
“Why are you so nervous?” I ask, and Remus shrugs. “You’re not that shy anymore, are you? Or is it because it’s with girls? You were fine with them before, weren’t you?” I ask, and I finish my first beer. One down, a whole lot more to go.  
“Yes, I can interact with girls just fine,” Remus laughs. “But getting graded on that interaction? It is all wrong, isn’t it?”  
“I suppose.” Do I? Do I suppose it’s all wrong? I have no problem with them giving me grades for how I interact with girls. I’ll chat with them, I’ll dance with them. I don’t give a toss. Let them grade me on that. It’s better than doing another maths test.  
“Why do you have such a problem with it?” he asks me, and I shrug. James and Peter are chatting away about some women who are sitting at another table, and I’m glad that Peter has stopped laughing. But I still prefer it over having a serious conversation with Remus right now, about girls.  
“I don’t,” I lie, and I finish my second beer in one go. Well, Remus’ beer. Okay, drinking a second beer in a matter of minutes really did not help my lie.  
“Of course you don’t,” Remus laughs.  
Girls are a strange subject for our group. Of course we talk about them. We’re guys. But we don’t really talk about them, as in liking them. Except for James, who is head over heels in love with Lily Evans, a friend of Severus, who is in our year. She sometimes comes over to visit him, and James has been in love with her for years. He has spoken to her a few times, but he’s too much of a coward to ask her out. So he usually ends up shagging random girls when they’re over at Holyshite for a dance or for an event. Peter is the creepy fucker who just stares at girls, but I don’t think he has ever even held hands with a girl. Still, he talks about them as if he’s an expert. Probably to try and impress James. Remus, well, at dances he speaks with girls, and he’ll have a dance with them, but then it’s goodbye. And he’ll talk about them with respect. He’s a real good guy. But I don’t think he’s ever really had a girlfriend, or maybe he doesn’t talk about her. I wouldn’t be surprised.  
Me? Have I mentioned that I’m gay? Well, I am. Not that my friends know. I didn’t even know it myself, until a few months ago. Sure, I have had snogs with boys here at Holyshite, and when I was fifteen, there was a French exchange student, and we had a bit of a thing. Well, it was mostly secret blowjobs behind the school. But yes, he was my first ‘thing’. Not a boyfriend. A thing. My only thing. It never once crossed my mind that I could be gay. I thought it was just what you did when you went to boarding school. I once caught James snogging the face off of some guy in our year, and when I asked him about it, he said that he wanted to try it out, but it wasn’t his thing. So I told him about my French thing, and he asked me if I was gay. Well, of course I wasn’t. How the fuck could he ask me that? He just did the same thing, in a way, so why would he ask me that? He shrugged it off, and that was that. I kept on shagging girls, as I did, but I started to realise that perhaps there may be a bit of a point in James’ question. Because sure, I liked the girls I slept with. They were nice. Nice girls. Nice faces. Nice bodies. Nice girls. Didn’t mean a whole lot to me. Nothing, actually. So there you go.  
“So you’re not at all stressed out about tomorrow?” Remus tries again, a little while later. Four beers later actually.  
“No.” Yes, I am. There hasn’t been a dance, or an event with girls coming over to Holyshite, since my little realisation. What if I act different? What if they’ll notice it? Girls have all these little instinctual things, don’t they? They are more intelligent, aren’t they? Guys, they notice fuck all. But girls, they are like those sniffer dogs. They know when something is up. And I am not planning on spending tomorrow, explaining my little realisation to my friends. So yes, I am freaking out, and yes, I am getting pissed, because I’d rather vomit over the girls, than talk to or dance with them.  
“Are you sure?” Remus asks. Why does he have to do that thing? The thing he does, with those kind eyes, when he flashes a smile. When something is wrong, and you really do not want to talk about it. That look almost make you spill out everything. Remus, go away. Fuck off.  
“Yes.” I hate you.

It is long after midnight, and James had left with one of the women at the table next to us, a few hours ago. Peter had disappeared to fuck knows where to, not much later. Probably to follow James, and to spy on him and the woman. I really wouldn’t be surprised.  
I am now being supported into our bedroom by Remus. I am not as pissed as I would like to be, but still too pissed to walk properly. So Remus, tall, beautiful Remus is supporting me, so I won’t fall over. He brings me over to my bed, and lets go of me. I try to keep myself sitting up straight, but the world is spinning an awful lot tonight, and I fall over, hitting my head on the floor. It should hurt, considering the floor is made of stone, but I hardly feel a thing.  
“Are you okay?” Remus asks, as he rushes over.  
“Fine and dandy,” I answer, as he looks at my head, making sure there’s no wound. He manages to get me onto the bed again, and this time he makes sure I lie down, so I won’t fall off again.  
“So, why are you so stressed out about tomorrow?” he tries again. Pissed as I may be, I notice him trying to get me to answer. He has tried before, earlier tonight. I remember that. Fuck off, Remus. “Is there a special girl?” he laughs, as he grabs our vomit bucket. The thing is a god awful bright yellow, and is covered with orange flowers. Fuck knows where we got it from. He brings it over, and puts it down beside my bed.  
“No,” I laugh, thinking about my little realisation. My little secret. All mine.  
“If you say so.” I do say so, Remus. I just did, didn’t I? There is no special girl. No girl at all. And there will never be a girl. So there you go.  
“We should go travelling, just me and you,” I suggest, after Remus has gotten changed, and has gotten into bed. “You know, like those two writers you told us about? The ones who ran away together, and went travelling.”  
“Rimbaud and Verlaine?” Remus laughs.  
“Them two.”  
“You do know why they ran away together, don’t you?” he asks me, and I really hate him right now. I am pissed, Remus. I am glad to still know my own name. I do not know why some old, dead writers ran away from home. Who fucking cares? Stop being such a clever fuck all the time. “Either way, even if I had the money to go travelling, I still couldn’t. My parents expect me to come home during the spring holidays.”  
“Fuck ‘em.”  
“I can’t.”  
“They could fuck you over,” I say, and I really wish I could stop the word vomit that is about to come out. But I can’t. “They shoved you away in this Holyshite place, so they wouldn’t have to deal with you. So why the fuck would you go back for those shits?”  
“Don’t,” he says, and I look over to him and see that I’ve really hurt him. Fuck. I want to apologise, but I can feel another word vomit coming up. Except for that it’s not word vomit. I grab the bucket, and I vomit out what must be at least two hours worth of beers. Well, there that goes. Remus gets out of bed, grabs the bucket out of my hands, and goes to our bathroom to clean it up. When he gets back, he is still looking hurt. I should really say sorry, but I feel empty. Not just ‘I have just vomited’ empty, but ‘I have no words left to say’ empty. So he gets back into bed, and we don’t say another word. I have to say, I feel sick. Really fucking sick. And if I could punch myself in the face, I would.

I’ve just woken up, and I feel as though I’ve eaten dead rats. My breath smells horrible, it is actually making me feel sick. My entire smell makes me feel sick. I smell as though the rats first pissed on me, and I then killed them and ate them. But I am not pissed anymore. So I have failed anyway. All my hard work for nothing. I will still have to face the girls.  
I look around the room, but no one’s there. So I get up, and go to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Because fucking hell, I stink. I look in the mirror, and I look even worse than I smell. And that says something. After I’ve undressed myself, I check my pants to see if I’ve pissed myself, because fuck, I stink. But no, I just stink. I throw my clothes in the corner of the bathroom, and quickly get into the shower. That’s when I remember what I said to Remus. I remember the hurt look on his face. I really fucked up. That’s it, first thing I’ll do today, is go and find Remus, who is most likely having breakfast right now, and I’ll go and apologise.  
As I get back into the bedroom, still naked, the door swings open. Well, that’s embarrassing. It’s nothing my roommates haven’t seen before, but still. Slightly awkward. Remus comes in, he looks at me, and he starts crying. Fuck, do I really look that horrible when I’m naked?  
“You were right,” he sobs, as he sits down on the edge of his bed. I quickly grab some pants, put them on, and sit down beside him. Great time to apologise, isn’t it? Half-naked, he is crying. I have perfect timing.  
“What I said last night… I really shouldn’t have said it. And I’m sorry. I really am.”  
“No, you were right,” he repeats. I was? “I just called them, because after what you said, it made me think. And you were right, they’re off to Spain during our break, and they hadn’t even told me. If I would’ve gone home, they wouldn’t even have been there.”  
“Fuck,” I say, and I put an arm around his shoulder. “That’s shit, man.”  
“I hate them.”  
“No, you don’t.”  
“No,” he says, and he keeps crying. Poor sensitive fucker. Me? I’m used to my parents not being around. During holidays, I stay here, even during the summer. But Remus? He has never been let down by his parents before. Not like this.  
“We’ll go away together,” I say, and he looks up. “Like Rambo and thingy.”  
“Rimbaud and Verlaine.”  
“Them two,” I say, and he laughs. “It’ll be fun.”


	3. Chapter 3

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

Girls really are like sniffer dogs. They used to flirt with me, come up to me. Not anymore. They must know about my little realisation. I just know it. Those intelligent little…  
“So, I heard about your little trip,” James says. He had gotten home just before lunch time. Peter not much later. Remus had cheered up a little by then, but not much.  
“Yeah, about that…”  
“Yes, I’ll give you the money.” How the fuck…  
“I wasn’t…”  
“Yes, you were. You were going to ask me if I could lend you the money. Don’t bother, I’ll give it to you. I’ll ask my parents for more money, it’s fine. They don’t give a fuck anyway,” he laughs. “How much do you need? Three thousand? Four?” What the fuck does he think we’re going to do? Stay at the Hilton?  
“I was thinking about four hundred.”  
“Really?” he asks, looking horrified. Spoiled little brat. The Hilton must probably be like a little camping to him. Spoiled fucking brat. But I love him for it. “I’ll give you six hundred then, just in case.”  
“Thanks.”  
I look over, and Peter is standing in the corner, looking over at some girls, just staring at them. Fucking hell. He has really got to change, if he ever wants to get laid. James seems to notice it, because he goes over to him, and they leave, to go sit at one of the tables. I look around the room, and eventually I find Remus, sitting at a table, chatting to a beautiful red-headed girl. Big smile on her face, and she’s laughing at something he’s saying. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself. But then I notice one of our teachers looking at me, and I quickly go over to a girl I have never seen before, and I introduce myself.  
“Hi, I’m Natalie,” she says, flashing a small smile. “So, Sirius, isn’t it?”  
“Yes.”  
“I have to tell you, we’ve all been warned by Katherine, the girl you slept with last time, to not fall for your flirting,” she says, and I feel hurt. Like being kicked in the balls. Katherine and I had had a lovely time. I think. If I could just remember who Katherine is. Like I said, girls just don’t mean much to me. “You pretty much kicked her out of your room in the morning.”  
“Well, that’s not true.” Probably true.  
“After your creepy roommate spied on her in the bathroom.” Definitely true.  
“Well, I apologise. But I am older now, and wiser,” I say, flashing my most charming smile. Why do I care so much if Natalie likes me? I’m gay.  
“Of course you are, love,” she laughs, and she gives me a kiss on the cheek, and walks away. I am left on my own, and I really don’t care about getting a high grade. I tried my best, but I cannot interact with other people. So fuck it. Fail me.  
I sit down at a table, and grab one of the glasses of punch that is left on there. God, that tastes awful. The chair beside me moves away and I look up. Remus has sat down beside me, a cheeky smile on his face.  
“They’ve all been warned about you.”  
“Yes, I’ve heard.”  
“So I guess you won’t be getting any tonight,” he laughs, and I flash a small smile. As if I care. I didn’t want to shag Natalie anyway.  
“What about the girl you were sitting with? She not your type then?” I ask. Let’s get the attention onto him. What’s the deal with him not having a girlfriend, or a crush, or something.  
“Molly? She’s sweet, she’s funny. Beautiful smile,” he says. Well, that really answers my question, Remus. Not.  
“And?”  
“That’s it,” he says. Great explanation.  
“Not your type then?” I repeat.  
“I guess not.”  
“What is your type then? Out of every girl in this room, who would you most like to, well, have a cup of tea with?” I ask, and he laughs, and looks around the room for a little while. James and Peter are talking to some girl. Well, James is talking to the girl, Peter is hanging around.  
“No one, really,” Remus eventually says. Really Remus? Out of about a hundred girls, you don’t fancy a single one? Fucking liar.  
“Have you ever fancied anyone?”  
“Sure?”  
“Who?” Who is this lucky, mysterious girl. This special girl. Who must be nothing like these hundred girls. But he just shrugs, and that is that. Well, if I get to keep a secret, I suppose he gets to keep a secret as well. As long as he invites me to the wedding, it’s all good.

“So you have never shagged a girl?” James asks. We’re all back in our room, after the night from hell. Most of the teachers had left early, probably failing every single one of us, because most girls were awful, and only wanted to talk to each other.  
“I really don’t see how that is any of your business,” Remus laughs. We’re all sitting on the floor, sharing a bottle of whiskey, and playing truth or dare.  
“Well, it was truth,” Peter says. Of course you side with James. You always do.  
“Fine, no I have not,” Remus admits, his cheeks turning red.  
“That’s fine,” I say, and I flash him a small smile. “No big deal.” He flashes a small smile back, and takes the bottle of whiskey from me.  
“Okay, Peter,” he says. “Truth or dare?”  
“Dare.”  
“I dare you, to take a piss out of the window,” he laughs, and without even thinking about it, Peter gets up, opens the window, pulls down his trousers, and starts pissing out of the window. Charming.  
“James, truth or dare?” he asks, when he sits down.  
“Truth.”  
“Have you ever gotten yourself off, while one of us was in the room?” Peter asks, and we all start laughing when we see James’ face turning a darker shade.  
“We’ll take that as a yes then,” Remus laughs. “Kind of disturbing.”  
“As long as it wasn’t because one of us was in the room, I’m fine with it,” I laugh, and I grab the bottle of whiskey and take another swig.  
“It wasn’t,” James laughs. “Sirius, truth or dare?”  
“Truth.”  
“If you had to shag anyone in this room. Who would it be?” he asks, and I can feel the whiskey burning inside of me. I am gay. It is my secret. Don’t ask me a gay question. That is not fair. Fuck you, James. I hate you.  
“Myself,” I answer, and I can see them rolling their eyes. Well, I lied. There you go. My secret. Mine.  
“Pathetic,” James laughs. Well, fuck you.  
“James, truth or dare?” I ask, and fuck you again.  
“Truth.”  
“What was the guy called, you know, the one you were snogging when I walked in?” I ask, and ha, fuck you. Check mate. Oh god, that was a bad question. It had felt smart, but as soon as the words had left my mouth I had felt like a bitchy thirteen year old girl. I can feel their eyes burning on me. They don’t care that he snogged a guy. No one does. Shut up Sirius. I hate you.  
“Michael,” James says, and he shrugs. Fuck you James.  
“Peter, truth or dare?”  
“Dare.”  
“I dare you to run around the hallway naked for five minutes,” James says, and again, without thinking about it, Peter does the dare. Of course he does. He’d jump off a bridge if James would dare him.  
“James, truth or dare?”  
“Truth.”  
“Have you ever thought about shagging a teacher?” Peter asks, and fuck you Peter. Of course he has. Who hasn’t?  
“Of course,” James laughs, and I look over at Remus, who has a small, but nervous smile on his face.  
“Remus, truth or dare?”  
“Dare.”  
“I dare you to snog Sirius. Not a peck, a proper snog,” James says, and there it is. That’s the check mate. Well fuck you James. You have won. I’m not sure what you have won, but I feel like you have won, and you fucking know it. I can see it by the fucking smirk on your face. I look over at Remus again, and I give him a little nod, which he returns. Okay, we’re okay to do this. Why wouldn’t we be? We’re just mates, having a snog because of a dare.  
I lean towards him, and put a hand on the side of his face. I can see him closing his eyes, and coming towards me. So I close my eyes, and press my lips against his. Very soft lips. Our mouths seem to fit perfectly, and they seem to find a perfect rhythm. He opens his mouth, and I can feel his tongue touching mine. Wow, this really is a proper snog, isn’t it? I taste the whiskey on his tongue, and okay, I am getting dizzy. This is a proper snog, a real good snog. The best snog I’ve ever had, I have to admit. Remus, you are a damn good kisser.  
When Remus pulls away, and I open my eyes, I still feel a bit dizzy. It may also be the whiskey, but fuck, it is definitely also because of this kiss. Fuck, he is a damn good kisser.  
“Wow,” James says, and I look up, and see him and Peter staring at us. “I didn’t think it was going to be that kind of a snog,” he laughs. And again, fuck you James. I look at Remus, and he is looking down at the floor, probably embarrassed by all this shit. He is too clever for all this. We’re probably just a bunch of brainless monkeys in his eyes, and now he has had to kiss one of them. Great job, James. Great job, Sirius. Not sure why I am blaming myself. But hey, there you go.

“Are you okay?” I whisper, when Remus and I are in the bathroom that night, brushing our teeth. I can feel some toothpaste dripping down my chin, and I feel like a right idiot.  
“I’m fine,” he answers, and he continues brushing his teeth. When he’s done, he wants to leave, but I grab his arm. He turns around and looks a bit awkward. “It’s fine, Sirius. It was just a game,” he says, and he shrugs.  
“Good, because I don’t want things to get all awkward between us.”  
“They won’t,” he laughs, still keeping his voice down. “It was just a snog.”  
“You’re a good kisser though,” I laugh, and his cheeks turn red. I have just made him blush, and I have to say, I am quite proud. Not sure why, but I like it.  
“So are you,” he laughs. “Those girls are lucky,” he adds, flashing a smile, and he leaves the bathroom. Those girls sure are. What girls? There are no girls. Remus, I am gay. I could have just told him, but he had left. If he had stayed, I may have told him. It’s a good thing he left. It’s my secret. Mine.

I feel all sweaty and sticky when I wake up that morning, and I feel a bit disgusted with myself. I had dreamt about Remus, about doing things with him that I really should not repeat. Ever. Not even to myself. I blame that kiss.  
“Are you coming?” Remus asks, as he puts on his jacket to go to breakfast. Great choice of words there. Am I coming? Great.  
“No, I’ll come later,” I answer. James and Peter are already gone. Thank god. They do not need to see me get out of bed right now.  
”Are you sure? I can wait,” Remus says, and I quickly flash a smile. Be nice, but work him out of the room. Now. Before you start thinking about that dream again, and things get even more awkward.  
“It’s fine, go, and I’ll join you in a couple of minutes,” I say, and Remus shrugs and wants to leave. But he drops his keys, and bends over to pick them up. He bends over right in front of me, and I see flashes from my dream, and there we go, I have a bit of a problem again. Thank god my roommates are gone. Remus says goodbye and leaves. And I jump out of bed, ignoring the problem down there, and look at my bed. Great, now I’ll have to change the sheets again. This is all James’ fault. It’s his fault that Remus kissed me. His fault that I have to change the sheets. His fault that I had that dream. And his fault that I am really fucking hard right now. Fuck you James. I really fucking hate you.


	4. Chapter 4

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” James asks, as he finishes packing his bag. Peter had left two days ago, to go home, and go stalk his poor neighbour. James is leaving today, to go to France with his parents. They have a house there. Of course they do.  
“Yeah, we’re taking the bus to the city centre, then the bus to Amsterdam, then the bus to Paris, and there we’ll be off to see the world,” I answer, and James laughs.  
“You could just take the train to Paris, it’s shorter.”  
“More expensive,” Remus says, not even looking up from his book. “Five times as expensive, actually.”  
“That,” I add, and James shrugs. I suppose it’s easy when you have money, and you can just do whatever the fuck you want. But this trip, we’ve planned it all out. It has to be cheap as fuck, because we need food and drink, and a place to stay. So if we can get a cheap bus, we’ll take it.  
“Whatever. You guys have fun, and I’ll see you in two weeks,” he says, and after we’ve all hugged, he leaves. Remus and I are left alone, and I feel a bit awkward. It’s been over a week since our kiss, but I keep dreaming about it. Not about the kiss, but about Remus. It had never happened before, until we kissed. Which was only because of a dare. Maybe I just need to find myself some guy in Amsterdam, have him shag my brains out, and then it’ll be all over. No more dreams about Remus.  
“What are you thinking about?” Remus asks, and I look up. Wow, you really do not want to know.  
“Just our trip. I can’t wait.”  
“Me neither.”  
Yes, it’ll be fun. Spending two weeks with Remus, 24/7, sharing a room, maybe a bed even. Especially with these dreams. Not awkward at all. Note to self; find yourself a guy in Amsterdam, and let him shag your brains out.

It’s late at night, and we’re on the bus to Amsterdam. We have just left London, and we’ll arrive in Amsterdam in the morning. I really want to go to sleep, but after the dreams I’ve been having lately, I don’t think it’s a very good idea. Especially not with Remus sitting next to me, his arm touching mine. I really don’t understand what the fuck is going on with me. I love Remus, I always have. And I have always found him beautiful. Pure, fucking beauty Remus is. But ever since that kiss, I have felt uncomfortable around him. And now his arm is touching mine, and it feels as though my arm is on fire. And it’s really fucking cold on the bus, so my arm most certainly is not on fire. And fucking hell, now he is moving his leg, and now his knee is touching mine. Well, that’s just fucking great.  
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Remus asks, his voice all groggy and full of sleep. His eyes are small, and he looks sleepy, but still beautiful. I cannot help but look at those kind eyes, but then I quickly look away. I should not be looking at my best friend like this. Fuck you, Sirius.  
“Nah, I’m not tired.” That’s not true.  
“But then you’ll be tired in Amsterdam.” That’s true. But rather that, than have you notice that my body seems to get off just from you touching my arm, Remus. So shut up, and go to sleep.  
“It’s fine. I’ll go to sleep when I get tired.”  
“Okay. Goodnight, Sirius.” He flashes a small smile, and he closes his eyes.  
“Goodnight, Remus,” I say, and my stomach makes a little jump, because he licks his lips, and I get flashbacks from my dreams. Him licking his lips, and his legs and arm being pressed against mine, has quite the effect on me. And as much as I try to fight it, I am hard again. And that’s just from him sitting next to me. Only two more weeks to go.

It’s morning, and I’m still awake. We’re almost in Amsterdam. Supposedly beautiful, free-spirited, open-minded, but really, ugly as hell, stinking Amsterdam. It looks like shit. Remus is still asleep, his head on my shoulder. The good thing is, I’m not hard anymore. But probably only because my body ran out of energy to keep it up. Because he is still touching me, and my skin is still burning. And his head on my shoulder, his nose slightly touching my neck... Fucking hell. Hard again.  
“Morning,” he mumbles, and I quickly cover myself with my hands. He does not have to see what he has done to me.  
“Good morning,” I say, and he looks up at me and flashes a smile. “Are we almost there?”  
“Yeah…”  
“You okay?”  
“Of course.” Of course I’m not fucking okay, Remus. You have some weird fucking effect on my body, and I will apparently have to cover myself up for the next two weeks. And I really want to get out of this fucking bus, and find myself some random guy to shag my brains out to distract me from my thoughts about you. So no, I am not fucking okay!  
“Good.”

We’ve been in Amsterdam for a couple of hours now, and it is shit. Pure shit. But Remus likes to look at old buildings, so being the good friend that I am, we have visited old shit for the last three hours. But my not sleeping is catching up with me now, and I really need a pick me up, or I will fall over into one of the canals. So we’re at a little café, eating a sandwich and drinking coffee. Which will hopefully keep me awake until somewhere tonight, when we will arrive in Paris.  
Also, I still need to find a guy to shag my brains out, without Remus noticing it. How the fuck do I get rid of Remus, and where do I find myself a guy? I keep looking around, but there seem to be no hot guys around. Just my luck. Even if there were, why would they notice me? I look like I’ve lived in a dumpster for the last couple of weeks. But first things first, how do I get rid of Remus for a couple of hours?  
“I can’t wait to go to Paris. It must be beautiful,” he says, and now I feel horrible. He is excited about our trip, and I just want to get rid of him. I’ll buy him a beer in Paris. There we go, my conscious is clear again. “I am so glad that you thought of this.”  
“Mhm…” Really, Sirius? Your best friend says that, and you mumble something? Still looking around for an easy fuck? You’re shit.  
“Is something wrong?”  
“No… would it be okay to ehm…,” Ah, there we go. A guy has just walked in. He’s gay. He seems to be gay. He looks over to me and flashes a smile. He will do. But I can’t get rid of Remus. So what the fuck do I do? Because this guy is definitely flirting with me. I guess guys in Amsterdam don’t mind the dumpster-look.  
“Sirius?” Remus asks. Right, I was talking to him. Shut up, Remus, I’m trying to get laid here.  
“Mhm… I need the toilet,” I say, and I already feel dirty. The toilets, really? And how the fuck do you expect to get this guy to come to the toilets? What the fuck is wrong with you, Sirius? I go into the toilets, and I wait. I’m just about to go out, when the guy walks in. He locks the door, and flashes a smile. Wow, I should go to Amsterdam more often. If only it was this easy at Holyshite. He presses me up against the wall and starts kissing me. His lips are chapped, his kisses very rough. Nothing like when Remus kissed me. Stop thinking about Remus. You are doing this to stop thinking about him. That’s the whole fucking point. I’m still in kissing mode, when he grabs me, and turns me around. My face smashes into the wall, and fucking hell, that hurt. This guy isn’t exactly gentle. He pulls my trousers and pants down, and fuck you, man. You could have at least let me unzip them. If you have broken the zipper, I will punch you in the face. After this, of course. I brought condoms and lube, they were in my pocket, which are now on the floor, but this guy must be prepared as well, because when I look over my shoulder, I see him putting on a condom, and lubing up. And fucking hell, this is going to hurt. When he notices me looking, he pushes my face back against the wall. And come on man, you’re really hurting me here. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of kindness, even during a quick fuck. Without a warning, he pushes into me, and I nearly fall over, simply from pain. But he keeps me on my legs, and pushes me back against the wall. My legs are going numb, but he keeps me up, while pushing into me. I have gotten what I want, a quick fuck in Amsterdam. But in my head, all I can think of, is Remus being the one who is currently pushing so hard, that I can hear a tile crack from where my body smashes into it. I am already close to the edge, when I notice that he is as well. He wraps his hand around me, and it only takes a matter of seconds, before we’ve both come. He pulls out, throws away the condom, pulls up his trousers, washes his hands, and leaves the bathroom. Well, that was that. I quickly pull up my pants and trousers, wash my hands, and I stay in the bathroom for a minute longer, simply to catch my breath, and to not look as flushed as I do now. But I have been here for over ten minutes, and Remus must think I’ve fallen asleep in here. So I leave the toilets, and go back, to find him sitting there, looking worried.  
“Are you okay?” he asks, “I was just about to come look for you." Well, that would’ve been awkward.  
“I’m fine,” I say, but as I sit down, I feel sore, and he looks confused. What the fuck do I do? Do I come clean and tell him that I have just been fucked by a random guy? Or do I lie, and keep my secret to myself? “A bit of a stomach bug.” A lie it is then.  
“Oh, okay. Are you okay to go on, or do we have to go back home?” Fuck you, Remus. Stop being so fucking nice to me all the time. “What? You look angry…”  
“It’s nothing.” Fuck you.


	5. Chapter 5

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

We’ve just arrived at our hotel in Paris, and it’s almost midnight. Only this afternoon had I had my little meeting with that guy in Amsterdam, and I feel dirty. So I can’t wait to go to our room and take a shower.  
“Ah, yes, mister Black and mister Lupin,” the girl behind the reception desk reads from the computer. “You have reserved a room for three nights, yes?”  
“Yes.”  
“I am afraid we only have double beds in this hotel,” the girl says, and she looks at me, and then at Remus. “Will that be a problem?” Well, that’s just fucking great. Let me guess, it’s a small double bed as well? Fucking great. Not a problem at all, love.  
“Not at all,” Remus says, flashing a smile. “Thank you.”  
“Then here is your key. We serve breakfast at eight-thirty. And if you need anything, I am here,” the girl says, flashing a flirty smile at Remus. The girl has a tanned olive skin, green eyes, and long black hair. She is stunning. Good for you, Remus. He takes the key, flashes another smile, and we go to our room. The hotel is tiny, and old, and a bit shit. But it was cheap, and that’s what matters. When we get into our room, my fear becomes reality. The bed is tiny. I’m pretty sure that if we both lay on our sides, we’ll still be touching.  
“I’m going for a shower,” I say, and I open my suitcase, grab a new pair of pants, and go into the bathroom. Also really fucking tiny. And the shower? Inside a bathtub. So if you’re showering, you’ve got a real big chance of slipping and breaking your neck. But I really need a shower, and I quickly get naked, and get into the bathtub / shower, to wash away any trace of Amsterdam-guy. Don’t get me wrong, he got the job done, and he was an alright fuck, but I do not want to be reminded of that. It was a bit too cheap. Even for me. I’m used to going home with guys, and going back to Holyshite after we’re done. And we never meet again. But at least we’re in a bed, my body isn’t smashed against a wall. I found it too rough. Because when I get out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror, I see bruises all over my chest and hips from when he had pushed me against the wall. Fucking bastard. I put my new pants on, and go back into the room, where Remus is already on the bed, reading a book. I sit down next to him, and can’t help but look at his face. So goddamned beautiful.  
“What?” he asks, a small smirk forming around his lips. The bastard had noticed me staring.  
“Nothing. Just… the girl from reception, she seems to like you.”  
“Does she?” he asks, and he puts his book down and looks up at me.  
“She was flirting with you. I’m willing to bet that if you’d ask her up here right now, you’d be getting laid tonight.”  
“Don’t,” he laughs, his cheeks turning red. “I’m not the type of person to have sex with a person after having just met then. A thing like that, it takes time. You need to get to know someone before you can trust them…” Sure thing, Remus. Couldn’t agree more. Amsterdam-guy, didn’t even know his name. Didn’t say a word to him. Got the job done perfectly fine.  
“I mean, I’ve never… it would be my first time,” he says, his cheeks turning a darker shade of red. “You don’t just throw that away, do you?”  
“I guess…”  
“What was your first time like?” he asks, and I can feel my insides burning. I really do not want to talk about that. But I can see that he is genuinely interested, so fuck it, I guess I can tell him.  
“It was horrible,” I admit. “I was nervous, and too young. I was thirteen.”  
“That’s young.”  
“I know,” I laugh, feeling a bit awkward, just sitting here, in my pants, talking about my first time. Stop looking at me Remus. Fuck you. “She was sixteen, and she kept flirting with me, and giving me attention, and she kept asking me if she could be my first. I felt great, because she was beautiful, and it just felt great to get attention, but then… well, I lasted for about ten seconds.” There you go. I am a big fucking loser. My first time sucked. I was seduced and manipulated by an older girl, and I failed, big time. And I am a big fucking loser. “She just laughed at me, and it was horrible.”  
“I am so sorry… she was wrong for doing that. Having sex with you at that age. And also for laughing at you. You were just a kid…” Shut up, Remus. Stop being so fucking nice to me. I can feel tears stinging in my eyes, and I try my best to blink them away. “Come here,” he says, and he leans over and wraps his arms around me. His hands on my naked back are giving me chills, and I can feel a tear rolling down my face. I had never told anyone about my first time before, but honest to god, it had been horrible. At the time because she had laughed at me, but I had later realised just what she had done to me.  
“I’m so sorry for asking,” Remus says, and he lets go of me.  
“It’s okay. But don’t think that all sex is like that. Sex can be beautiful,” I say, and he looks at me with great eyes, full of curiosity. “When you truly like someone, and you share that intimacy with them. When you don’t just fuck, but when you explore each other’s bodies, when you find out what the other likes. When you spend hours just sharing that. And I know that you’ve come before, but when you have sex with someone, it’s different. When you both share that, that moment….” I can hear the words leaving my mouth, and the thoughts are coming from my brain. But really, where the fuck did they come from? I don’t speak like that. Remus is looking at me, his eyes still full of curiosity, wanting to learn.  
“Sorry,” I say, but he shakes his head.  
“Have you had sex like that very often?” Fucking hell, Remus.  
“Never.” Why the fuck didn’t I just lie? I lie all the time.  
“You just know that it can be like that?” he asks, and I nod. “But why bother with all the girls, when it’s never like that? To me it seems like if it isn’t like that, it isn’t worth it.”  
“Because you’re a fucking romantic, Remus,” I say, and he can’t help but smile. “And I sometimes just really like to get off.”  
“But do they even mean something to you?”  
“No.”  
“Then what’s the point?” Fucking hell. When did we get all serious? We’re teenagers, on a trip to Paris. Shouldn’t we be getting pissed, shagging random girls? What the fuck is wrong with us?  
“I don’t know,” I admit, and I shrug. “Is that why you’ve never had a relationship?”  
“No, it isn’t.”  
“But you did tell me that you fancied someone.”  
“I do.” You do? Who is she? “I did,” he quickly adds, and he looks away. “It doesn’t matter.” It doesn’t matter? Of course it fucking matters. I will set you up with her, so you can finally get laid, and see the point of it.  
“Go on, tell. I won’t tell James, or Peter.” Ah, those bastards. James, who is in France with his family, and Peter, who is stalking a girl. I won’t tell those bastards a goddamned thing.  
“It doesn’t matter, Sirius. I don’t have a chance with them anyway,” Remus says. “They don’t fancy me.”  
“How do you know?”  
“I just do. I’m not their type. At all.” He is looking down at his hands, and I can see that he is finding this uncomfortable. He must really like her.  
“Well, we’re here for three days, so that should be enough time for you to get to know reception girl. And who knows, maybe on the third day, you’ll be getting some.”  
“Shut up,” Remus laughs, and I can’t help but smile.  
“We’ll make it the mission of this trip, to get you laid,” I laugh, and he shakes his head, laughing. “Don’t worry, I’ve brought protection, so we’re all ready to go.”  
“You’re fucked up.”  
”Tell me about it.”

When I wake up the next morning, I feel uneasy. I had dreamt about Remus, but I don’t feel sweaty, or sticky. I am perfectly clean, and there’s nothing going on downstairs. Which is quite the miracle, considering Remus’ body is pressed up against me, or one of us would be falling out of the bed. I open my eyes, and I see that he is already awake, but only just.  
“Hi,” he says, his voice still groggy. “Who did you dream of?” he laughs, and I can feel my skin burning. World, just open up and swallow me up. Right now would be really fucking great. Thank you.  
“Why?”  
“You were making sounds,” he laughs, completely naïve to the fact that I have been dreaming about him. “Is she your secret girlfriend?” he asks, and he pokes me in the ribs with his finger. Please stop touching me. “Questioning me, but in the meantime you’ve been hiding that.”  
“I really don’t have a girlfriend.” Poke in the ribs.  
“It didn’t sound like it.” Poke in the ribs.  
“I do not have a girlfriend.” I repeat. His finger is coming towards my ribs again, and I grab his hand. I push it away, and he laughs. Fucking bastard. I push myself up, and I poke him in the ribs. He just keeps laughing, so I keep poking and tickling, and before I know it, we’re play fighting on the bed. How fucking mature are we? But of course I am stronger, and I end up sitting on top of him, a leg on each side, his hands pressed down on the bed, above his head. He is still laughing, and catching his breath. My face is now awfully close to his, and I can’t help but remember our kiss. That kiss that had started all this. That beautiful kiss. With beautiful Remus, who is under me, helpless, looking up at me with his kind eyes. Beautiful Remus, with his soft lips. Without thinking about it, I move my face slightly closer to his, and I can see his eyes growing wide, so I quickly move my face back, and I laugh.  
“As if you’d ever win from me,” I laugh, and he just looks at me, smiling. Pure, fucking beauty. But then I can feel a certain area of myself playing up, and I am so shocked that this is happening right now. Not even shocked, but horrified, that I don’t know what to do. I am sitting on top of Remus, in just my pants, so he must be noticing it as well. I can see a certain panic in his eyes, but he keeps smiling. Too kind, Remus is. He would never laugh, mock, or even judge me for this. I hate him for it.  
“I’m going to go take a shower,” I say, and I let go of his hands, and quickly get up, grab some clothes, and go into the bathroom. I can’t believe that has just fucking happened. How am I ever going to face him again? And how the fuck am I going to spend the next almost two weeks with him?


	6. Chapter 6

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

We’re on the bus towards some godforsaken village that Remus wants to visit. We have just left Paris, and of course nothing has happened between him and reception girl. I tried my best, but he was just too fucking shy. So I now have a week and a half left to find him a girl. We haven’t talked about what had happened. Thank fuck for that, because it was awkward. I have never been so ashamed in my life.  
“Remus?” I ask, and he looks at me. He had been staring out of the window, at the fields, full of flowers. The bus is empty, except for the bus driver, and we’ve got another three hours to go. This seems like the perfect time to come out to my best friend, doesn’t it? With absolutely no place to go. I really want it to be my secret. All mine, and all that. But Remus deserves to know the truth. He is my best friend, and to be really fucking honest, I just want to get it out into to open, so maybe I can find myself a nice French guy during this trip, so maybe he can make me forget about Remus.  
“What is it?” he asks, flashing a small smile.  
“I ehm… Do you remember when we kissed?” Great fucking start, Sirius.  
“Of course,” he laughs. “How could I possibly forget?” Don’t even fucking joke about it, you bastard.  
“Well, I just thought that ehm… well, you know…”  
“What?”  
“I thought maybe you would appreciate it if you knew that the guy you kissed, that he is gay.” I eventually say, my mouth going dry, my heart racing, my skin burning. That was a fucking mistake. I take it back. Just kidding. I’m straight. I love girls. Boobs are my thing, Remus. Best thing in the world. Love them.  
“Oh…,” he says, and he keeps looking at me.  
“I hope that that’s okay?”  
“Yeah,” he says, and he now looks away, down at his hands. “Of course, I just… I hadn’t seen that one coming. But of course it’s okay,” he adds, and he looks back up again and flashes a smile. “I don’t care.”  
“Good.” He flashes another smile, and starts looking out of the window again. But I feel really fucking awkward, and for the rest of the drive, I stay quiet, because I just don’t know what to say. And apparently neither does Remus, because he keeps staring out of the window. Even when it gets dark, and there’s nothing to see, except for dark fields.

We’ve just checked into our hotel, and it’s another shithole. But again. Cheap. We’re in some godforsaken village, and after we had gotten out of the bus, we had still had to walk for another half an hour. There isn’t much to do around here, but to be honest, we haven’t discussed doing anything tonight. We still haven’t spoken, and I feel really fucking awkward. When we get into the room, Remus grabs a book, but I do not want the rest of our trip to be like this. I feel really angry, and without warning, I spit it all out.  
“What is your fucking problem?” I ask, and he looks up, a confused look on his face. “I tell you that I’m gay, and I get ignored for the rest of the day?”  
“Sirius, I…”  
“Do you have any idea how fucking difficult it was for me to tell you? Do you think that maybe I was scared to tell you, because I was scared that this would happen?”  
“I…”  
“You’re my best friend, Remus, and I love the fucking shit out of you, so don’t you fucking dare do this to me,” I say, and I can feel tears rolling down my face. All my fears, and all my confusion, all my tension from having realised that I’m gay, and from keeping it to myself, it’s all coming out now. He comes up to me, and wraps his arms around me, not saying a word. “You bastard.”  
“I love you too,” he just says, and he lets go of me. “I’ve been quiet because I’m tired. I was quiet before you told me you’re gay. I don’t care who you fall in love with. It’s your business, Sirius.” Stop being so fucking nice to me. I really fucking hate you. “I just…”  
“What?”  
“Well, what about all the girls?”  
“I thought I liked them,” I admit, and we both sit down on the bed. “And then I stopped thinking that.”  
“But you still go home with girls all the time.”  
“I don’t, actually. After you guys leave, I usually go home with a guy,” I admit, and he looks surprised, but then smiles. “I got good at hiding it.”  
“You did. But why? Why not tell us? I don’t care, and I highly doubt that James and Peter give a toss.” Because it’s my secret. Mine. Well, not anymore. “Were you scared?”  
“I guess.”  
“Well, you shouldn’t have been. It’s fine. But ehm… do you have a boyfriend?”  
“Fuck no,” I laugh, and he can’t help but smile. “All that commitment. Not for me. And at Holyshite, everyone’s gay, until you call it that.”  
“I suppose…,” he says, and I raise an eyebrow. He just shrugs, and grabs his book again. I guess that’s that then.

We’ve been on a walk for three hours, and I am getting really fucking tired. Who walks for three hours through fields? All you can see is grass and flowers, and every once in a while, a tree. But Remus seems to enjoy it, so there you go. Things are much less uncomfortable than yesterday, and I’m actually glad that I’ve come out to him. I do however, still have dreams about him. My body just reacts to him. It longs for him. While we’re walking, I actually want his hand to accidentally brush against mine. My body wants it. And I really cannot fucking stand it anymore. I do not want my body to long for my best friend.  
“Ah, there’s a lake,” Remus says, sounding far too excited for my liking. Who the fuck gets this excited about a lake? It’s water. Open the tap and you’ve got water. Still, I follow him towards it, but when we get closer, we find two girls, who must be a few years older than us, having a picnic there.  
“Bonjour,” one of them says, flashing a smile.  
”Bonjour. Do you speak English?” Remus asks.  
“Yes,” the first girl says, with a French accent. She has pale skin, covered in freckles, and long red hair.  
“Are you from England?” the second girl asks. She has tanned skin, piercing blue eyes, and short brown hair.  
“Yes, we are. We’re tourists,” Remus answers, and the girls both smile.  
“Come join us,” the brunette girl says. Food. Yes, please. Remus shoots me a questioning look, and I nod. So we sit down, across from where the girls are sitting, around the picnic blanket.  
“I am Charlotte,” the red-haired girl says. “This is Helena.”  
“Nice to meet you. My name is Remus.”  
“Sirius,” I say, and Helena offers me a piece of bread, so I gladly take it, and flash her a smile. Charlotte and Remus seem to hit it off, so I keep talking to Helena, even though she turns out to really be quite irritating. She keeps talking about herself. I am fine with getting to know her. But I do not need to know the name of your grandmother’s sister’s neighbour’s dog, who died three years ago. I do not care. But, for Remus’ sake, I’ll keep you busy.  
“Do you want to go swimming?” Charlotte suggests, and Helena and I look at her. “You know, skinny-dipping?”  
”Do we?” I ask Remus, and his face turns a dark shade of red. Poor shy Remus. “We do,” I laugh. The girls quickly get up, and have no problem with getting naked. I may be gay, but I can’t help but look at them. Charlotte is covered in the freckles, and fucking hell, she is stunning. Helena, she has got at least five tattoos that were covered by her clothes. These girls are stunning. They jump into the water, when Remus and I are still taking off our shoes. We are obviously stalling. Remus because he is shy. Me? Well, Helena looks like she is about to jump me. But we do get undressed, and get into the water. I couldn’t help but look at Remus, and I am now struggling with hiding my hard-on, and avoiding Helena, who keeps swimming up to me, obviously wanting something from me that I am not willing to give her. She sees me swimming away as a game, but fucking hell, love, go and keep yourself busy.  
I look over to Remus and Charlotte, and they are kissing, their arms wrapped around each other. A sting of jealousy comes through my body, and as I am watching them, Helena catches me. She wraps her arms around my neck, and kisses me. I close me eyes, and I kiss her back. Soft lips, like Remus. I take my hand through her hair, short hair, like Remus. We keep kissing, but eventually I open my eyes. Not to look at Helena, but to look at Remus. He and Charlotte have left the water, and they are now standing in the grass, looking up at the sky. Seeing Remus’ naked body, just like that, it is taking me far too close to the edge. So I close my eyes again, and I pull Helena closer to me. But then she stops kissing me, and she takes her mouth towards my ear.  
“Fuck me,” She whispers, and fucking hell. Shut up. I start kissing her again, and her soft lips, like Remus’… I need to get off. I am too fucking close. So I push myself into her, and she starts moaning. I quickly silence her by kissing her again, because fucking hell, I do not want to hear her. If she just keeps quiet, if I just feel her lips, and feel her hair with my hand, her back with my other hand, then I can fool myself into imagining that she is Remus. This is the closest I can get to him. And when I come, I open my eyes, and I see Remus sitting on the picnic blanket, still naked. Fucking hell. What have I done?  
We swim back to the grass, and get out. We stay naked, like Charlotte and Remus, and join them for the rest of the picnic. Remus is giving me a confused look, but I ignore it. I feel guilty enough as it is. And how the fuck do I explain this to him? I have just told him that I’m gay, and here I am, having sex with a girl. He must think I’m either a liar, or just mental. Maybe I am. Mental. Because I did not lie. I am definitely gay.

“Sirius?” Remus asks, and here we go. We’re back on our way to the hotel, and we hadn’t said a word since we had left Charlotte and Helena.  
“Yes?”  
“Did you and Helena…”  
“Did we what?” I asks, but of course I know what he is asking.  
“Did you have sex with her?”  
“I did.”  
“But yesterday you told me that you’re gay.”  
“I am.” Sirius, you’re a twat. You know exactly why he is confused, so just explain it to him, and stop acting like a wanker.  
“But then why did you just have sex with a girl?”  
“It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything.”  
“But if you’re gay, then how can you, physically I mean, have sex with a girl?” Remus asks, and I am shocked at his question. Shy Remus, asking me how I can get it up.  
“I just imagined her to be someone else.” You, actually. I imagined to be fucking you, if you would like to know.  
“But don’t you feel guilty towards her?”  
“It was just a random fuck, Remus. I’m sure she was thinking about someone else as well. She doesn’t give a fuck about me.” True. “What about you? What happened with Charlotte? I thought you and her would definitely get it on.”  
“We definitely had a connection, and we did kiss. But then I explained to her that I’m a… well, that I’ve never slept with someone before. And we both agreed that my first time shouldn’t be with her, not like that,” he says, a sad look on his face.  
“Do you regret it?”  
“No, not at all. I was just thinking,” he says, and he flashes a smile. But it seems weak, fake. Like something is troubling him.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Definitely.”


	7. Chapter 7

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

“I have seen enough fields and trees and shit for the rest of my life. We are going out tonight, to celebrate that we’re leaving this godforsaken place tomorrow,” I announce, and Remus puts down his book. “I saw a bar, and we’re going. To get pissed, because I am bored out of my fucking mind.”  
“Fine, but please do not get too drunk, because if you vomit in the bed, we’ll have to pay extra.”  
“Yes, mother,” I laugh, and I grab his hand and drag him from the bed. We grab our things, and leave the hotel. We go to the only bar in the village, and there are mostly old drunks sitting there. So we order a couple of beers, using our fake ID’s, and sit down at a table. A woman, in her thirties, comes up to us, and I can’t help but laugh. Her skirt is so short, that her bum is visible, and her breasts are hanging half out of her shirt. But she is stunning, with her olive skin, raven hair, curves that seem to be in all the right places. She just seems awfully cheap.  
“You are british then? I overheard you speaking,” she asks, and Remus nods. “Do you mind if I join you two?”  
“Not at all,” I laugh, and she sits down.  
“My name is Maria,” she says, and we introduce ourselves to each other. Perhaps our last night here will be fun after all.

It’s been a few hours, and we’re still talking to Maria. Maria used to be a prostitute, and she’s telling stories from back then. She’s hilarious, but lovely. And she keeps saying how lovely and pretty we are. We are now actually a bit too drunk, and we really should be heading back, but Maria stops us.  
“Now, tell me,” she says, a big smile on her face. “Are you two lovers?”  
“Lovers?” Remus asks, nearly choking on his beer.  
“You seem to have that… oomph between you. That tension,” she explains, and I quickly take another sip of beer, trying to hide my awkwardness. “I like it. I like the both of you.”  
“Thanks,” I laugh, and Maria flashes a big smile.  
“How about…,” she starts, and fuck, this can’t be good. We’re sitting here with an ex-prostitute, whose bum and tits are on show. What could she possibly offer, other than sex? “You take me back to your room?”  
“Oh, ehm, well,” Remus stutters, and I laugh.  
”You see, my friend here, he’s a virgin,” I explain, keeping my voice down. Remus’ face turns red, but he doesn’t seem to mind me telling her. “And me? I’m gay.”  
“Ah, well, that’s a shame. That you’re gay. But your friend, I can deal with that,” Maria laughs. “I’ll be gentle.”  
“My first time will not be with a stranger.”  
“Go for it, get rid of it,” I laugh, a bit too drunk to be sensible.  
“Yes, I’ll teach you, I’ll be gentle. And then next time, with the right girl, you’ll be brilliant,” Maria says, flashing a big smile. “I will however, ask for payment.”  
“I thought you said you were an ex-prostitute?”  
“Not like that, Sirius,” she laughs. “I was hoping, when I both saw you here, to have both of you tonight, together. But seeing as that’s not an option, because of you,” she says, looking at me.  
“Sorry,” I laugh.  
“No sorry, gay is good.” Fucking hell, I love Maria. She is awesome. “But seeing as you ruined that for me. I would just like a kiss.”  
“From me?” I ask, and she shakes her head, laughing. From Remus? Well, she’s getting a lot more than a kiss from him tonight.  
“You two. I want to see that oomph. That’s my payment. Then you, my boy,” she says, looking at Remus, “Will be brilliant by tomorrow morning.”  
“I ehm…,” Remus begins, and he looks at me. I just shrug, because like I said, too drunk to be sensible. I’ll kiss him, if it means that he gets laid. One kiss ruined me, so why not kiss him again?  
“Deal,” I say, and Maria smiles. “Let’s go.”

We’re at the hotel, and it’s been another hour, because we had bought a bottle of wodka, which is now partially empty as well. The three of us are on the bed, laughing, but then Maria grabs my arm, and Remus’ arm.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to join?” she asks, looking at me. No, thank you.  
“I’m sure. I’m going to sleep in the bathtub tonight,” I say, and I want to get up to go to the bathroom, but Maria stops me.  
”What about my payment?” Ah, yes, the kiss. Crazy bitch. But I love her. She’s the good kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that will end her up getting murdered probably, but she’s great. “Go on,” she says, looking at both of us, and I look at Remus, who is drunk, but still looking nervous. Poor shy Remus is losing his virginity tonight. I’d be nervous too. I put my hand on the back of his neck, and I pull him closer. He presses his lips against mine, and his tongue slips into my mouth right away. Last time our kiss had been gentle, nervous. But this kiss is hungry, passionate, drunk. It will probably be the death of me. I’m the one to break the kiss, and without saying a word, I go to the bathroom. I can’t help but think about what’s going on in the bedroom. Shy Remus. Beautiful Remus. Having sex. Fuck.

When I wake up the next morning, I carefully go into the bedroom, expecting to find both Remus and Maria, or at least a naked Remus. But he is sitting there, reading a book. He does not look like he has just had sex for the first time, with an experienced prostitute.  
“What happened?” I ask, and I sit down next to him.  
”I couldn’t do it,” he admits, and he puts his book down. “We kissed, and she, you know, did things to me, down there, but…”  
“But what?”  
“I couldn’t.”  
“But I thought you were going to let it go. Learn from Maria, and then…”  
“I know,” he interrupts me, looking down at his hands. “But I couldn’t, physically,” he then explains, and I don’t know what to say. He couldn’t get it up? Is that why he’s still a virgin? “I tried, but…”  
“But she’s stunning.”  
“Yes,” he says, still looking down at his hands. “But ehm… you know, a few days ago, when you told me that the guy I kissed, that he’s gay. Well… the guy you kissed, so is he.”  
“What?” I ask, and I can actually feel my brain starting to hurt. This is an information overload. It cannot be processed. I must have heard it wrong. No, no, no. Fuck you, Remus. Fuck you.  
“I’m gay,” he repeats, but I don’t think it is still coming through. “It’s why I’ve never had a girlfriend, why I’ve never slept with anyone. I’m not like you, Sirius, I can’t sleep with a girl. It just doesn’t work for me. Even when I’m alone, I…”  
“Have to think about a guy…”  
“Yes,” he admits, and I feel sick. This is not happening. Remus is not gay. He cannot be. Because we have kissed, twice now. And my body longs for him. And now he is gay? Which is actually making him available. And still so not available because he’s my best friend. And he would never in a million years want me. Fuck it.  
“That’s why I asked you about it, because I was trying to understand. I was trying to see if maybe I could change, maybe I could be with a girl, but… it just doesn’t work,” he says, and I can see the tears forming in his eyes.  
“Hey, it’s okay. There are enough guys out there. And you’ll find the right one for you, I’m sure of it. You’re amazing, Remus,” I say, and he looks up at me, but then looks away again. “I am so sorry for making it my mission to find you a girl. I had no idea…”  
“I know. I should’ve just told you, but… well, I was about to tell you, by the lake, but then we met Charlotte and Helena. So I figured I would give it another go. And then I just…,” he says, sounding panicked, as if all of his stress and fear is all showing itself now.  
“Stop it,” I say, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close. “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t tell you either. But now we’ve both told each other, and we both know, so…” So what? So now we can be gay best friends? We can go on the pull together? I can watch him find himself a decent guy? While I still have dreams about him? Fuck that.  
“I’m scared,” he admits, and I pull him even closer, if that’s even possible. “I’ve never told anyone, Sirius.”  
“You were also the first person I told.”  
“But you slept with guys, people knew,” he says, and I let go of him. “I… I just don’t want to lose you, okay?”  
“Never,” I say, and I flash a smile. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

We’re in the bus to our new location, and we’re both tired, emotionally tired, so we’re both looking out of the window. Remus is sitting closest to the window, so while I’m staring at the fields, I cannot help but see his face. Beautiful Remus. Gay Remus. Remus with his soft lips. Because of what had happened this morning, I hadn’t really thought about our kiss last night. But now that I am looking at his lips, I remember it again. It had been just as perfect as the first time we kissed. Different, but perfect. And for just a second, I can’t help but wonder if maybe Remus feels the same way about me as I feel about him. Because that kiss had been full of hunger, longing, passion. But then, I had probably just imagined it. Because he had said that there was someone special. Probably someone at Holyshite, a guy from the year above us. Remus would date an intellectual type. Not a worthless, useless piece of shit like me.  
“I am afraid there is a problem,” the bus driver announces, after the bus has stopped, in the middle of nowhere. “The bus has broken down.”  
“What do we do now?” Remus asks, and the driver just shrugs.  
“You can wait, but it will most likely be tonight. Or you can walk, or try and get a lift.”  
“We’ll walk,” I say, because I am not going to wait here, and waste an entire day, doing nothing. Remus follows me, and after we’ve gotten our suitcases, we start walking. But we’re literally in the middle of nowhere, and it must be hours before we reach the next town.  
“I guess it’s going to be a long day,” Remus laughs, and I flash a smile. We just keep walking, and it’s nice that the driver mentioned getting a lift, but after two hours, we still haven’t seen a single car. But then, finally, a car drives by, and it stops. We catch up, and find two men sitting inside.  
“Hello, do you speak English?” Remus asks.  
“Yes, can we help?” one of the men asks. He has slicked back black hair, tanned skin, and he’s quite the muscle man. The man sitting next to him is almost the exact opposite. He is pale, with glasses on his nose, anything but muscular, and he has strawberry blonde hair.  
“The bus broke down, and we’re trying to get to a town, so we can get a bus there,” Remus explains.  
“We can give you a lift. We can bring you to the next town, but I’m not sure if buses even drive there. But you can also come to where we live.” That doesn’t sound dodgy at all.  
“There’s a bus stop just around the corner from where we live. It’s the third town from here. About an hour drive,” the blonde man explains.  
“Yes, thank you,” I say, and Remus is looking nervous, but what the hell can we do. We’ll be walking until tomorrow otherwise. The muscular man comes out of the car, and helps us putting our suitcases in the back, and then lets us into the car.  
“I am Arthur,” the blonde man says, when they drive away. “This is my husband, Paolo.” Remus lets out a small chuckle, and Arthur turns around, to see why.  
“My apologies. It’s just that, I read about Arthur Rimbaud, and Paul Verlaine, and I told Sirius about it. Sirius is my friend, by the way. I’m Remus. But I told him, and now we’re here, on this trip, like Arthur and Paul, when they ran away. And now we meet Arthur and Paolo…,” Remus explains, and Arthur laughs.  
“Ah, I thought I was the only one who thought our names funny,” he says. “I was actually named after Arthur Rimbaud. My mother was a fan of his work. And then when I met Paolo, well… I had to marry him, even if it was just for his name.”  
“And we’re both writers as well,” Paolo adds, and Remus’ smile grows. I feel like I’m missing a part here. I know that Rambo and thingy ran away, but why would Arthur need to marry a ‘Paul’ or Paolo in his case? What the fuck am I missing? I really should have listened to Remus when he was telling me their story.  
“So are you two the new Rimbaud and Verlaine? Run away together?” Arthur asks, and Remus laughs, a small blush appearing on his face.  
“No ehm… we’re not. We’re not writers either. We go to school together, we’re best friends.”  
“Ah. No, not Rimbaud and Verlaine then,” Arthur laughs. “Well, you’re lucky we were driving there. Hardly anyone ever uses this road.”  
“Yes, very lucky. Thank you so much.”


	8. Chapter 8

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

“Go on, stay for a meal,” Paolo says, after we have arrived at their home. It’s a small house, but beautiful, in a tiny town. “The first bus won’t come for another three hours.”  
“We really don’t want to be a burden,” Remus says, and Arthur laughs.  
“You’re not. Take your jackets off, sit down, make yourself comfortable. I’ll go make you both a cup of tea,” he says, and fuck, I still haven’t said a word. Arthur and Paolo are smart, like Remus, and I am not that smart. They had been talking about writers, and books, and smart things. I had just listened. I’m still listening. What the fuck do I know?

“Thank you,” I say, and it’s one of the first things I’ve said. During dinner, I had helped Remus with telling them about our trip. But mostly, the three of them had been talking. I didn’t mind.  
“I don’t know how we can repay you,” Remus says, and both men flash a smile.  
“Don’t worry about it. Just go and enjoy the rest of your trip,” Paolo says.  
“And ehm, perhaps you boys do have some more in common with Rimbaud and Verlaine than you might think,” Arthur adds, and I really have no fucking clue what he is talking about. I look at Remus, and he has a blush on his face. We say goodbye to them, and go to the bus stop.  
“What were they talking about?” I ask, as we sit down, waiting for the bus, and Remus shrugs. “About Rambo and thingy. What do we have in common with them?”  
“You really don’t know why they ran away together, do you?” he asks, and I shrug.  
“They were criminals?”  
“They were lovers,” he says, and my mouth goes dry. Fuck. I really should’ve listened when he was telling me about them. I have been comparing us to lovers? Well, that isn’t awkward at all. “Verlaine was married, when he received Rimbaud’s poems. He invited him, and they fell in love. They ended up running away together. In the end, they had a fight, and Verlaine shot Rimbaud, and so he went to prison.”  
“I did not know that.”  
“I know,” he says, looking down at the ground. I feel guilty, but then he looks up, and he laughs. “But those guys seem to think that we have more in common with them, so they either think that we’ve got explosive personalities, or we’re in love.”  
“Explosive personalities,” I say, and he laughs and nods. But fucking hell, this is one of the most awkward moments of my life. Because I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. My body longs for him, that is perfectly clear to me. But my brain? Well, it knows that I should stay away from him. You do not fall in love with your best friend. My heart? Fuck knows.

We’ve only got four more days to go, and we’re stuck in some village in France. We’re making our way back to Paris, and it’s our last night in this village, so we’re out, to celebrate the end of our trip in the middle of nowhere. Because once we get back to Paris, it’s only Amsterdam and London. There’s a pub, and they are serving absinthe. Remus had told me that Rimbaud and Verlaine were famous for drinking absinthe, so we are drinking absinthe. It tastes horrible. But this sort of goes with our trip. We’re already getting drunk, and a bunch of guys have joined us. They’re tourists as well, from Sweden. We’re all laughing, and drinking, and singing karaoke. Even Remus. It seems like a perfect ending to this part of the trip.  
We’re now walking back to the hotel, and we’re both drunk, but still capable of walking, and thinking straight. Well, straight… All night I have been looking at Remus, and fuck, he is beautiful. I know that I shouldn’t be attracted to him, but he is just so fucking nice, and beautiful, and fuck. Fuck!  
“Sirius?”  
“What?”  
“Do you…,” he starts, but then he stops talking. I look at him, and he looks slightly nervous, but still beautiful. His hand brushes mine, and my heart skips a beat. I don’t want this trip to end, and go back to Holyshite. I want to stay here in France with Remus. Just the two of us. But perhaps this trip was a bad idea, because things have changed so much between us. And I can’t help but wonder how things will be when we get back. But then I look at him again, and I see his face, in the moonlight, and my worries are gone. Fuck it. I love him.

We’ve just come back into the hotel room, and I’ve just taken my shoes off. Remus comes up to me, looking a bit nervous. He puts a hand on my chest, and he must be able to feel my heart racing. Or feel it explode, because that’s what it feels like. He is standing so close to me, that I can smell his absinthe breath, and I actually have trouble breathing. Just him, standing so close to me, his hand on my chest, it does so many things to me. It shouldn’t, but it does.  
“Remus…”  
“Don’t say it,” he says, and I nod. He looks up from the floor, at me, and I put a hand on the side of his face, his hand still on my chest. I gently press my lips against his, and he can easily push me away, but he doesn’t. This is the first time that we have actually kissed. The first time it was for a dare, the second time because we had to pay Maria. He kisses me back, and he slips his tongue into my mouth. We find a perfect rhythm, and I put my hand on his hip, the other still on the side of his face. I pull him closer, and he wraps his arms around me, his hands resting on my back. When he breaks the kiss, he looks at me. I’m expecting to see fear, regret, anger. But all I see is kindness, and love, beauty. Remus. He flashes a small smile, and he kisses me again, and I lead him towards the bed, not breaking the kiss. But when our legs touch the bed, we stop kissing, and we let go of each other. I give him a questioning look, and he answers it with a little nod. He takes his sweater off, and his t-shirt. And fucking hell, he is beautiful. I have seen him before, but not like tonight. He seems nervous, but he is also in a way confident, sure. I take my shirt off as well, and while we’re at it, I also drop my jeans, and I take my socks off, leaving me with just my pants on. Remus does the same, now seeming a bit more nervous. Fuck, if we really go through with this, it’ll be his first time. I go up to him, and put a hand on the side of his neck.  
“If we need to stop, or slow down, tell me,” I say, and he nods, and flashes a small smile. I press a quick kiss on his lips, and go to the side of the bed, and get in.  
“The ehm… protection?” he asks, and fucking hell, how could I forget? I get out of bed again, quickly get the condoms and lube out of my suitcase, and put them on the nightstand. We both get into bed, and I turn the lights off. We start kissing again, me leaning over Remus, gently touching his chest with my hand. I don’t want to rush things, or make him regret it. But then he gently pushes me away, and he does something under the covers. I’m not sure what. Now I’m getting more nervous. The absinthe has stopped working, and I am completely sober. But then I see him dropping his pants on the floor, which means that he is now completely naked. There is a naked Remus Lupin in bed with me. Fuck. I am already hard, and I quickly take my pants off as well, and he leans over me, and starts kissing me. The kisses are now less of the gentle kind, more of the passionate kind. But then he starts kissing my neck, and I close my eyes. But it really doesn’t fucking matter, because eyes open or closed, I am seeing stars. He kisses my neck for a while, and my chest, gently placing kisses all over, but then he stops, and I open my eyes.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask, and he looks nervous.  
“I ehm… Fuck, this is uncomfortable,” he says, and even in the dark, I can see him blush. “Do you… ehm, are you…”  
“Both. So whatever you prefer.”  
“I’d like to top.”  
“That’s fine by me,” I say, and I flash a reassuring smile, and press a kiss on his lips. He seems nervous, now the real thing is coming closer, so I wrap my arms around his neck, and I pull him closer. His body touches mine, and I can feel his hard-on against my leg. Fucking hell. Now I’m nervous. But I kiss him for a little while, until he seems less nervous, and then we both sit up, to get ready for this. I grab the condoms and the lube, and hand them over to him, and he puts a condom on, and lubes up his fingers. He sure knows how this works for never having done this before. Amsterdam-guy, this is how you could’ve done it as well. Fuck. I push the covers down to the edge of the bed, and I lie down on my back, and pull my knees up to my chest, feeling really exposed. This is different from all the other times. They were strangers. This is Remus. My best friend. But he presses his fingers into me, and he takes his time to stretch me up, all the while, looking nervous, but confident. I can’t stop looking at him. He is so goddamned fucking beautiful. But then he wipes his fingers on the sheet, and he lubes himself up. I get nervous, and he leans down over me, and presses his lips against mine. Soft lips. I get dizzy. He then carefully pushes into me, and quickly looks back at me, a worried look on his face.  
“Are you okay?” he asks, and I flash a reassuring smile again. He leans down, and gives me another kiss. He gives another push, hitting just the right spot, and I cannot help but let out a loud moan. He looks worried, but he soon realises that it’s good. So he continues, finding himself a rhythm, sometimes leaning down to kiss me. And those lips, fuck. I don’t ever want him to stop kissing me. I love him. There you go. I fucking love him.  
”Fuck,” he says, and from the rhythm changing, I can tell that he’s close. He grabs my hand, and with one final push, he comes, letting out the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. He carefully pulls out, and falls down beside me on the bed. He is trying to catch his breath, his chest going up and down, and I cannot help but look at him. He is so goddamned beautiful. He takes the condom off, and throws it in the bin, and he then looks at me. It had been amazing, but it hadn’t lasted long, and I haven’t come yet, but I don’t even fucking care. This has been the best fuck of my life.  
“I ehm…,” he says, but without saying another word, he disappears. I feel his mouth wrap around me, and I close my eyes, because fucking hell. This isn’t healthy. This cannot be healthy. I am going to die. It’s nice to have known you all. But this is it. This is how I died. Death by blowjob. I come only seconds later, and Remus appears next to me again, a small smile on his face. Where the hell did he learn to do that?  
I pull the covers from the edge of the bed, over us, to cover us up, and I look back at Remus. Still no fear, regret or anger. Just love, beauty, Remus. I give him a kiss, and I can taste myself on his tongue. It almost makes me want to start all over again. But when I see the happy and satisfied smile on his face, I know that this was it. I close my eyes, and I can feel him resting his head on my shoulder. And within seconds, I am asleep. Exhausted.


	9. Chapter 9

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

When I wake up the next morning, I immediately notice that Remus is missing. He must have freaked out about last night and have left. But where the fuck is he? We’re supposed to take the bus to Paris this afternoon. He can’t just get up and leave. How will he get back to Holyshite? But then I notice his suitcase is still there, so he really can’t have gone far. I get out of bed, and I go and take a shower. Last night had been perfect, but now it already seems like a distant memory, because all I can do is worry about Remus. What if he regrets it, and hates me for it? I can’t lose him. For fuck sake, not over this.

“I went for a walk,” he announces when he comes back into the room, almost two hours later. “I needed some time on my own.”  
“Are you okay?” I ask, and he shrugs, and sits down on the edge of the bed. I join him, and I want to grab his hand, but he pulls away. “Do you regret it?”  
“No,” he says, but he keeps staring down at the floor. “It just… it shouldn’t have happened.”  
“We were drunk.” Fucking hell, Sirius. What kind of an excuse is that? You were both thinking straight, able to discuss things, you made a conscious decision to have sex. So don’t use that as a fucking excuse.  
“Yes…”  
“It was just a mistake, a one-off. We’ll forget about it, and move on.” I don’t want to move on, I want it to happen again, and again, and again. Remus, I fucking love you. “We’re still friends, right?”  
“Yes.” Is that all you can say? After what happened? Fucking hell, Remus. Now would be a good time to show your kind side. “I’ll go and pack my suitcase.” Well, that’s that then. I have finally admitted to myself that yes, I fucking love Remus Lupin, and fucking hell, I want him. And I actually had him. And now he’s gone again.

We’re in Paris, after the most uncomfortable day of my life. Neither of us had said a word during the drive here. Remus had just been staring out of the window, and me? I’m too scared to say the wrong thing and push him even further away. Last night was perfect, but I wish it hadn’t happened, because I feel like I have lost my best friend over it. And as good a fuck as it was, it was most certainly not worth it.  
“Let’s go out and get drunk,” Remus suggests, and I am shocked. Shy Remus, book-reading Remus, wants to go out and get pissed? In Paris? I know it’s late at night, but we could still go and look at some old building. That is his thing. Not go out and get pissed. What the hell?  
“Sure.” If you want to go out and get pissed, we’ll go out and get pissed. If it means we won’t have to sit here in silence, I’m fine with it.

Our fake ID’s hadn’t worked here, so no alcohol for us. But it doesn’t seem to matter, because Remus is on the dance floor, dancing and making out with some French slut. So perhaps she isn’t a slut. Perhaps I am just jealous of her. But fuck this. Why is he making out with her? He’s gay. Isn’t he? I know that he regrets what happened last night, but fucking hell. Why go and be with a girl? Well… I suppose I can’t judge him, really.  
“She seems nice,” I say, when he comes up to the bar to order a new drink. I’m sitting there, sipping from my virgin cocktail. The guy behind the bar had suggested it, as a joke, but fuck, it’s actually quite tasty. And it’s got a little umbrella in it and everything.  
“She is. Her name is Genevieve, she’s French.”  
“Ah, I think most girls in Paris are French,” I say, and he rolls his eyes. “Nice tits.”  
“Yes,” he says, and he looks back at her. Genevieve is wearing a very low-cut top, too low-cut. I take back what I said, yes, I am also jealous, but Genevieve is also, simply, a slut. Well, perhaps not. But Genevieve is most certainly dressed like a slut.  
“You go and enjoy yourself with Genevieve and her tits, Remus. I’ll be back at the hotel,” I say, and fucking hell, does he look annoyed. “Fuck you.” Wait, I just said that out loud. Well, fuck you. I get up, and I leave the club. Fuck Remus. Fuck Genevieve and her tits. Fuck Paris. Fuck Rambo. Fuck thingy. This is their fault. Fuck them.

I’m in bed, but I can’t sleep. It’s almost four in the morning, but Remus isn’t back yet. I really shouldn’t have left him on his own. Anything could have happened. I’ll go and look for him. I get out of bed, and I’m just about to put on my jeans, when the door opens. Remus comes in, with bloodshot eyes. But he isn’t drunk. He’s been crying.  
“What happened? Are you okay?” I ask. I hate him right now, but I still love him. I still care.  
“I went back to Genevieve’s flat.”  
“And?” I ask, and I go up to him.  
“I tried,” he says, breaking down in tears again. “I really fucking tried. But I couldn’t. Because of you,” he says, and he pushes me away really hard. I almost fall over, and fucking hell, Remus. “This is your fault!”  
“What is?”  
“I was going to do what you told me to do, sleep with her, think about someone else. But… I kept…,” he sobs. “Last night.”  
“Remus, I…”  
“No, fuck you, Sirius!” he shouts, and he comes up to me and pushes me away again. “Do you want to know why I agreed to have sex with Maria? Why we took her to our room?”  
“No?” Fucking hell, Remus, you’re scary when you’re angry. Hot, but scary.  
“Because of that kiss. I wanted to kiss you again,” he admits. Brain overload. I am still trying to process the fact that he is gay, and now he is saying that he wanted to kiss me? What the hell? “When we played that truth or dare game, and I had to kiss you… that was not just a kiss between friends, was it? There was something there, right?” he asks, still shouting and crying, looking both furious and terrified.  
“Yes.”  
“And then that morning, in bed, when we were messing about.” Please don’t mention that, Remus. Me getting a hard-on while sitting on top of you was awkward enough while it happened. We do not have to discuss it. Shut up. “You…”  
“Yes,” I admit, and he looks down at the ground. “I’m sorry, I just… After we kissed, as a dare, my body just… I don’t know. I just… I fancy you.” Where did that come from? I did not have to admit that. I could have just said that it was the fact that I am gay, he is a guy, that’s it. It would have made sense. But no, I have to come clean. Fucking hell.  
“What?” he asks, and he looks up at me again. “So last night…?”  
“Last night what?”  
“It wasn’t a random fuck to you?” he asks, and now it is starting to make sense. That is why he had looked so scared, why he had regretted it so much. He had been scared that his first time had just been a random fuck.  
“No, Remus, I would never do that to you,” I say, and I go up to him. He is still crying, but quietly now. I put a hand on the side of his face, still scared that he’ll push me again. Because fuck, he is quite strong apparently. But he lets me, and he closes his eyes. “Last night meant a lot to me.” He opens his eyes again, and I see fear. He is so scared, and I just want to hold him. Love him.  
“It meant a lot to me too,” he admits. Fuck. My heart is racing, and I cannot believe that this is happening. “The person I like? The one I thought wouldn’t like me back?”  
“Mhm.”  
“Please don’t make me say it.” He starts blushing, and I can’t help but smile. Fucking hell, Remus fancies me. Beautiful Remus. Soft-lipped Remus. Gay Remus. My best friend Remus. Remus fucking Lupin fancies me. Me. Sirius Black.  
“They do like you back, a lot.” Wow, Sirius, you fucking romantic. He flashes a small smile, and I press my lips against his. But he immediately breaks the kiss. But didn’t we just admit that we fancy each other? What the hell?  
“So it wasn’t all in my head?”  
“Shut up.” I start kissing him, and I lead him to the bed. We fall down, me on top of him, and I look down at his face. His eyes are bloodshot, his face all blotchy, tears still staining his cheeks. But fucking hell, he is still the most beautiful person I have ever seen. And I love him. He puts his hands on the side of my face, and he pulls me closer, our foreheads now touching. This is what they call ‘a moment’. I haven’t experienced many moments, but this is definitely one. It makes me want to cry, or take a photo and keep it with me for the rest of my life. He then kisses me, and I push my hips down on his. A sound escapes from his mouth, into mine, and I can’t help but smile. I love the fact that I am doing this to him. Me. I am making him hot. I am making him moan. I am making him hard. This is what I have dreamt of, literally. Last night, perfect as it had been, had been so overwhelming, but this time, I am more aware of it. I slide a hand under his shirt, and push his shirt up. He stops kissing me, so I can take it off, altogether, leaving him laying there, half-naked. Vulnerable. I take my shirt off as well, and throw both of them off the bed. He then pulls me towards him again, and he kisses my neck. But then he somehow manages to get on top, and he sits down, a leg on each side, and he looks down at me, resting his hands on my stomach. He is smirking and licking his lips, and fucking hell, Remus! He starts kissing my chest, and he keeps going lower, until he reaches my jeans. He then stops, and looks at me again.  
“You are so fucking beautiful,” I say, and his flushed face, becomes even more flushed. “You are.”  
“Stop it,” he says, and I reach up, and grab his hand. I pull it towards my mouth, and I kiss it. I want to kiss every inch of his body. His beautiful, perfect body. But then he leans down, and he kisses me on the lips, in such a gentle way, that it gives me chills all over.  
“Come here,” I whisper, and I pull him down, wrapping my arms around him. He snuggles up to me, nuzzling his face into my neck, and fuck, I am surprising myself. This is enough for me. Just holding him, close to me, like this. It is enough.


	10. Chapter 10

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

When I wake up the next morning, well, a few hours later, my arms have both gone numb, but I can still feel Remus snuggled up to me. I open my eyes, and I see him looking at me, the sweetest smile on his face. I brush the hair out of his face, even though I can hardly feel my hand, and I press a kiss on his lips.  
“Morning,” he whispers, looking nervous. No, I do not regret it, Remus. For fuck sake. How can you still think that I saw you as a quick fuck, when it wasn’t even a fuck?  
“Hi,” I whisper back, flashing a reassuring smile. He immediately looks less nervous, and I can feel his body getting less tense.  
“About last night…”  
“What?”  
“Are you okay… I mean, that we didn’t…?”  
“Of course.” I flash another smile, and when I see that shy smile on his face, my heart makes a little jump. He is still so sweet, so kind, so nervous, even after what has happened between us. I love him for it. “Do you want to go for a walk?”  
“I’d love to.” Me? Suggesting going for a walk? Something has got to be wrong with me.

We’ve been walking around Paris for a few hours now, just walking, looking at buildings, statues, whatever Remus likes to look at. I don’t mind it. I just love to see him happy. We’re now on our way to the Louvre. Remus’ hand brushes against mine, and it still makes my skin burn, in a good way of course. In the best way. I thought it was by accident, but then he slides his fingers in between mine, and I look at him. He is blushing, and looking nervous. Fuck, he is beautiful. I give a little reassuring squeeze in his hand, and I can see a small smile form on his lips. My heart makes a jump, and my stomach goes all funny. But my brain is starting to go into panic mode. Because fancying Remus was one thing. You’re not supposed to fancy your best friend, but it happened. So there you go. It was bad, but I managed. And then he fancied me back, which was also not supposed to happen. Best friends are not supposed to fancy each other and end up in bed together. But we’re dealing with it. But fucking hell, you sure as hell aren’t supposed to fall for your best friend. You simply do not, I repeat, you do not fall in love with your best friend. You just fucking don’t.

We’re at the Louvre, and it is just so dull. It is massive, and I really don’t think we’ll be able to see everything today. Remus had chosen to go see some old statues first. I don’t even know what the fuck it is all about. I just know that they’re old, and ugly, and pretty much all the same. But there are these little side-rooms to the rooms, in which there are separate statues behind glass. Ugly as hell again, but when I see another one of these little side-rooms, I grab Remus’ hand, and I drag him in there. I push him against the wall, and I press my lips against his. I expect him to push me away. Because firstly, we’re in the Louvre. I don’t think you’re supposed to do this in the Louvre. And secondly, we’re in public, and anyone can come into this little side-room at any moment. Thirdly, it’s Remus. Shy Remus. But he kisses me back, and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, our kisses becoming slightly rougher. But then an older lady walks in, and she starts shouting at us in French. We don’t understand a word of it, but she looks furious, and she is holding onto the cross on the necklace around her neck. Fucking hell, woman!  
“Let’s go,” Remus laughs, and he grabs my hand, and drags me out of there. We leave the Louvre, and we’re still laughing when we get outside. Just seeing him like this, so happy, so full of life, so… perfect, it just makes me fall for him more and more. And it really fucking terrifies me. I have never felt this way about anyone, and I sure as hell wasn’t planning on doing so until I was at least forty. But now that it is happening, and Remus is the one who I am having these feelings for, it is really fucking scary. Because I cannot lose him. Not as my best friend. I just can’t.

It’s the final day of our trip, and we’re in Amsterdam. It’s late at night, and the bus is about to leave, to go to London, where we’ll arrive in the morning. Remus and I have been going on the way we were before, and we’ve been sleeping together, and holding hands, kissing, touching, exploring. But no sex. There seems to be no need for it. It seems to be perfect just the way it is. To me it is.  
“Sirius?” he asks, and I look at him. We’re holding hands, and our legs are pressed against each other. The bus is empty, except for us, so we could just take separate seats, have two chairs each, but no, we sit like this.  
“Yes?” He seems troubled, and I get worried. Please don’t tell me you regret it all. Not now.  
“When we get back home…”  
“Yes?”  
“I want things to be normal between us again,” he says, and I can feel my brain starting to process this. Be normal again? Normal like before the kiss? So best friends. Normal like after the kiss? Me fancying you, but just best friends. Normal like we were on this trip? Pretending like we were fine, but really, we want each other. Or normal, like this, together? Too many fucking options.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I want us to be normal again,” he tries, but I shake my head, still not understanding. Or maybe I do, but I am in denial. “I have loved this, I really have, but… I just want things to go back to normal. I don’t want our friendship to change.”  
“But… what about…,” I start, but I stop myself. But then he shoots me a look with those kind eyes, the look that makes you want to spill out everything. “What about this? What about what we said, what we did?”  
“I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship,” he says, and fuck that. I don’t want to risk our friendship either. But we just ignore this? We ignore the fact that we fancy each other? That we want to be together, or at least do things with each other? We ignore the fact that we’ve had sex? Well, that isn’t going to be awkward at all, is it? “And I’d really appreciate it if you could keep it from James and Peter as well.”  
“Of course.”  
“I am truly sorry,” he says, and I can see that he really is. Tears are forming in his eyes, so I give a little squeeze in his hand, and bring it up to my mouth. I kiss it, and let go.  
“Don’t be. I get it,” I say, and I let out a sigh. That was that then. I finally had him. And now I have lost him.

It’s been three weeks since we’ve gotten back from our trip, and things have changed a lot. James had actually asked Lily out on a date, and they are now officially together. So she stays over all the time, even though she is technically not allowed to. But she is lovely, and we all cover for them. Peter has become a terrible prick. James now doesn’t have much time for him anymore, so he has become sulky, bitchy, and creepier than ever. We can’t stand him anymore, but we have no choice but to accept him as our roommate until the end of the year at least. But I guess you want to know how things are between Remus and I. Well, they’re shit. Things are awkward and uncomfortable, and even though he is still my best friend, we hardly spend any time together any more. How can we? When we both know that all we want to do is snog the face off one another? James has noticed that things are weird, but he just sort of assumed that we had had a fight during our trip, or we had simply spent too much time with each other for now.

“Come on, man,” James says, dangling a bottle of whiskey in front of Remus’ nose.  
“I’d really rather not.”  
“You’re a wuss,” I laugh, and Lily shakes her head, as she sits down on the floor. I join her, and so do Peter and James. Peter has been behaving himself today, so we had invited him to this game tonight. Hopefully he will stay on his best behaviour. Because fuck knows he has been a right prick lately.  
“Please, Remus?” Lily tries, flashing a smile at him. She seems to have some sort of power of him, because he now gets up, and joins us. Remus adores Lily, and they have become quite good friends. I am glad.  
“Drunken truth or dare it is,” James laughs, and he takes a drink from the whiskey.


	11. Chapter 11

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

We’ve been playing truth or dare for over an hour now, and we’re now all getting a bit too pissed to really notice it if we let out too much information. Not good. The last time we played this game, Remus and I kissed, and all this started. I still blame James. And Rambo and thingy. It’s also their fault.  
“So Remus, truth or dare?” James asks, and Remus shrugs. “Truth then. Have you managed to finally get laid during your trip?” he laughs, and I can’t help but choke on the whiskey in my mouth. Remus’ face turns a dark shade of red, and his eyes are full of panic. He sure got laid, James. Want to know who the first person is that he had sex with? Me! Haha, me!  
“He so did,” Lily laughs. “Who was she then?”  
“Probably some French bird,” James laughs.  
“It wasn’t some French bird. I do not just sleep around, thank you,” Remus says, and I look down at my hands, that night playing over and over in my head. It had been brilliant, and fuck, I should really stop thinking about it before I get a little bit too excited.  
“So you knew her, then?” Peter asks. “Do we know her?”  
“I…”  
“Who was it?” James asks, looking at me, but I just shrug. Me! It was me! “Fuck you, Sirius. You have to know.”  
“I do,” I say, and I look at Remus, who still has a panicked look in his eyes. I could just tell them, right now. Tell them what has happened. Tell them we’ve had sex. Get revenge for dumping me. But I love him too much, and I can’t hurt him like that. “But it’s none of your fucking business. So fuck off.” I laugh, and I hand the bottle of whiskey over to Remus, who flashes a grateful look.  
“So how was it?” James asks, but Remus shrugs, looking really shy. “Come on, man.”  
“Did you at least enjoy it? I hope so, because, I mean, you’ll always remember your first time,” Lily says, and Remus gives a slight nod.  
“I did, enjoy it I mean. It was perfect,” he says, and my heart skips a beat. My stomach flips, and I feel a bit dizzy. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t look at my friends right now. If I do, I’ll cry. I’ll fucking burst into tears, bawling like a baby.  
“I’m glad,” Lily says, flashing a smile. “Go on, it’s your turn.”  
“No, wait. What about you then?” James says, looking at me. “Did you get any on this trip? What were the French girls like? I bet you had a different one every night.”  
“No, actually,” I say, still fighting against the dizzy feeling. “I only slept with one girl.”  
“One girl?” Peter laughs, and fuck you, Peter. Fuck you! Don’t you dare laugh at me, you fucking twat! What fucking right do you have to laugh at me? Who the fuck do you think you are, eh? “What, you gay or something?”  
“If he slept with a girl, then I highly doubt…” Lily starts, but my brain has gone into overdrive. Is now the time to come out to my friends? Or do I keep it to myself? Remus knows. He said that they won’t care. But I’d really rather keep it between us. But before I have even properly decided, the words have already left my mouth.  
“I am, actually.”  
“What?” James asks, his mouth literally falling open.  
“You’re gay?” Lily asks, and I can see Remus in the corner of my eye, looking nervous. He’s probably scared that I will out him as well. I won’t. If he wants to keep it to himself, that’s his choice. Not mine.  
“Yes. I hope that’s not an issue for any of you?”  
“As if,” Lily laughs, flashing a smile.  
“Of course not. As long as you never fancy me, we’re cool,” James laughs. As if I would fancy you, you spoiled brat.  
“You know I love you, James, but sorry, you’re not my type. Not in a million years.”  
“Good,” he laughs, and I actually feel relieved. I’m actually glad that I have told them. I’m glad that I don’t have to keep it to myself anymore. I… what the fuck is that creepy little fucker looking at me for?  
“I don’t feel comfortable with it, really.” Really? Fuck you. “We have to sleep in a room together, so…”  
“Have you looked at yourself lately?” I ask, and he shrugs. “Do you think that I would ever, and I mean ever, want to even come near you? Do you think that I would ever want to touch you? Get the fuck over yourself, you stupid prick,” I say, and I get up. “I will never fancy you, and I will never fancy James, so don’t you fucking worry.” I look down at them, and I can see that they are waiting for me to say that I will never fancy Remus. But what do I do? Do I lie? Or do I just ignore it? I look at Remus, and he is looking nervous. I feel for him, and I choose to ignore it. I won’t tell them the truth, and I won’t tell them a lie. I storm out of the room, because fuck them. But I stay in front of the door, so I can hear them talk.  
“Did you know?” Lily asks.  
“I did. He told me during our trip,” Remus answers.  
“Then why did he sleep with a girl?” James asks. Like it fucking matters.  
“That’s his business,” Remus answers, and I can’t help but smile. Sweet, kind Remus. “He found it really difficult to tell us, so you really shouldn’t have said that.”  
“It’s true though,” Peter answers. “Who knows what he does when we’re asleep. And he never said that he doesn’t fancy you,” he laughs, and just the sound of it makes me want to smash his face into a pulp. “So you better sleep with one eye open. He may sneak into your bed.”  
“Fuck you, Peter,” Remus says, and I can hear footsteps coming towards the door. I quickly leave, and I go to the common room. Remus joins me, not much later, and we’re the only ones there. We haven’t really spend any time alone together since the trip, and I feel a little bit awkward. Because I am head over heels in love with him, but he doesn’t want to be with me.  
“Thanks, for standing up for me.”  
“He’s a prick. As if any of us would be into him. Imagine having to have sex with him,” Remus says, and I feel chills going down my spine. “Disgusting… But he really shouldn’t have said that.”  
“Oh well.”  
“I’m proud of you. For coming out,” he says, and I look at him. Those kind eyes, those soft lips. Pure fucking beauty, and it was once mine…  
“It was the whiskey, really.”  
“Nah, you’re just brave. A lot braver than I am.”  
“Not really,” I say, and he looks away. “You come out when it feels right.”  
“Yeah…,” he says, and I look back at him. I can see tears forming in his eyes, and I wrap my arms around him. Fuck that we’re only friends. Fuck that we used to be something more. But fuck knows what. Fuck that this may cross a line. I cannot see him like this, hurt. I need to comfort him, hold him. I just need to. He buries his face in my neck, and I pull him even closer.  
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” James says, and we quickly let go of each other. Fucking James Potter. Bad timing. “I just wanted to talk to you.”  
“I’ll see you later,” Remus says, and he gets up and leaves. James joins me, and I feel a bit uncomfortable. What does he want to talk to me about? He doesn’t agree with Peter, does he? They don’t want to kick me out of the room, do they?  
“I just wanted to let you know that me and Lily, we’re cool about you being gay. It’s no big deal,” he says, and I feel relieved. Not kicking me out then. “And Peter is a dick. Just ignore him.”  
“I can’t stand him.”  
“Me neither,” he laughs, and a silence follows. It is awkward, but when he finally breaks it, I wish it would’ve lasted longer. “So, you and Remus?”  
“What do you mean?” I ask, but my heart is racing, and my mouth has gone dry.  
“That hug that I just saw… friends don’t hug like that.”  
“They do,” I awkwardly laugh. “He just hugged me because I was a bit upset about what Peter said,” I lie, but James raises an eyebrow.  
“What really happened while you were away? I won’t let him know that I know.”  
“Fine,” I say, but fuck, I am not going to tell him the truth. Not exactly. “After I came out to him, we got pissed. I ended up snogging him, things got awkward. We dealt with it, but things are now a little bit awkward.”  
“Then why did he just hug you like that?” Fuck you James. Why can’t you just believe me?  
“I guess he has just forgiven me for snogging him.” I shrug, trying to be as careless as possible. “You know, we got pissed, it just happened. It shouldn’t have, but it did.”  
“Right… So do you fancy him?” Please don’t ask me that. Yes, I fancy him. I fancy the pants off of him. I love him. I am head over heels in love with him. I want to be with him. Hold him. Kiss him. Make love to him. Fuck. Well, yes, that too.  
“No,” I laugh, but even I don’t believe it. He raises an eyebrow, but I just shake my head. “Of course not.”  
“Well, if you ever need to talk about how you don’t fancy Remus, I’m here, yeah?”  
“Thanks.” I do not need to talk about it. I’ll keep it to myself, thank you. “Let’s go back.” We get up, and head back for our room. Remus is talking to another student, but when he sees us, he joins us, and we head back to our room. But when we get there, we hear a lot of shouting, and we burst in. Peter is standing there, with his jeans and pants around his ankles, his hard-on out in the open. Lily is standing on the bed, holding up the yellow vomit bucket to protect herself.  
“You know it is me you want,” Peter says, not even noticing that we’ve come back.  
“You leave me alone, you fucking pervert,” Lily shouts, and she throws the bucket against his head. James goes up to him, kicks him in the back, and he falls down to the floor. Remus runs out of the room, and I go up to Peter, to hold him down, while James goes up to Lily, to calm her down.  
”Are you okay?” he asks, and she nods.  
“Yeah, nothing happened, really. He just, he all of the sudden dropped his pants, and kept saying how I didn’t love you, that I love him, and that I really want him. And that this was our chance.”  
“Fucking bastard,” James says, but he stays with Lily, and keeps his arms around her. I stay with Peter, and kick him whenever he tries to speak, so he quickly gives up. See, I knew he was a creepy little fucker. I told you, didn’t I?


	12. Chapter 12

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

It’s been a few hours, and we’re all in bed. James and Lily are asleep, but I can’t sleep. Remus had come back, with our headmaster, who had immediately expelled Peter, and had contacted the police. We all had had to make a statement, and eventually, we had all just gone to bed, not knowing what else to do. But I just cannot sleep, so I get out, and go to the common room. But I hear footsteps, and when I look around, I see Remus. He sits down next to me, and fuck it. I’m too tired too care. I wrap an arm around his shoulder, and he snuggles up to me. This isn’t how we’re supposed to act, is it? Not after our trip. This belongs to the trip. It ended there. Or it should have. We have fought it ever since. But tonight has exhausted us, and we’re too tired to fight.  
“Sirius?” Remus looks up at me, and I nod. “I think I made a mistake.”  
“What did you do?”  
“Well, there’s someone I really like,” he says, and my heart skips a beat again. My body is doing all these funny things, and I really wish he wouldn’t speak to me like this. Not when it leads to nothing. “And he really likes me back, you see?”  
“Mhm…”  
“But I told him that I don’t want to be with him.”  
“And?” I ask, really not seeing where this is going. I am too tired for mind games.  
“I do want to be with him, because, you see, I have been trying to ignore how I feel, but… I don’t think I can,” he explains, his voice breaking. I press my lips against his, and he immediately kisses me back. He slides his tongue into my mouth, and just the taste of him again, the touch of those soft lips… I feel dizzy, and I pull him closer towards me. I do not want to let go of him. Never again. When we stop kissing, he snuggles up to me, and I close my eyes. We’re in the common room, and anyone can come in, but fuck it. I love him too fucking much too care about anything else right now.

When I wake up, my entire body is hurting. The sofa is old and it’s shitty, so my back is killing me. Remus is still asleep, half on top of me, which also isn’t helping. I wake him up, and he looks confused when he sees where he is.  
“Do you think anyone has seen us?” he immediately asks, and I shrug. Who cares? It’s still dark outside, my back is killing me, I can’t actually feel my feet at the moment, and there is something sticking in my leg. I do not fucking care if anyone saw us. “We should go back to our room.”  
“Wait, Remus,” I say, when he gets up. “What happens now?”  
“Can we keep it to ourselves? For now?”  
“Sure.”  
“Thanks,” he says, and he flashes a small smile. Sure, I’ll keep this to myself, if it means that I get to be with him again. Last night he had actually admitted that he likes me back, and that he regretted telling me to basically fuck off. I’m still convinced that you’re not supposed to fall for your best friend, but he has fallen for me too, so maybe we can make it work. Right? Fuck, we sure as hell can try.

It’s been a few weeks, and things are a bit uncomfortable, because Lily had left, and it’s now just James, Remus and me. Our group of friends used to consist of two smaller groups of two, but now Peter is gone, it’s the three of us all the time, and Remus and I get no time alone. So only when James is taking a shower, I quickly go over to Remus’ bed, and we make out for a little while. I then quickly go back to my own bed, and we act as if nothing has happened. It’s a shitty way to have a relationship. If that is what you can call it. We say we love each other, and we kiss. But in secret, when James is in the shower. But fuck, this surely can’t be it, can it? Don’t get me wrong, I love the time I get to spend with Remus, and fuck knows I love to make out with him. But I had just expected more from us getting together.

“Guys, we need to talk,” James announces, after we have all returned from our classes one afternoon. He sits down on his bed, and Remus and I both sit down on our own beds. God forbid we sit down on the same bed. “I know.”  
“Know what?” Remus asks, looking confused. But I can see a panicked look in his eyes.  
“That you two are together. I’m not as big of an idiot as you two seem to think I am.” Yes, you are. You are a fucking idiot. Because if you know that we are together, you also know that we are hiding it. And if you know that we are hiding it, then you know that we don’t want you to know. So shut your fucking mouth and keep it to yourself, you prick.  
“We… Sirius, he… but…,” Remus tries, but his face turns dark red, and he can’t seem to make sentences anymore.  
“I saw you two sleeping on the sofa together, the night Peter lost it,” James explains, and fucking hell. Remus had been right to have been worried that morning after all. “But guys…”  
“Don’t,” Remus says, and he gets up. He has tears in his eyes, and he looks terrified. I get up, and I go up to him and wrap my arms around him. Fuck James. Fuck that he is in the room. Remus is upset, and I hate seeing him like this.  
“It doesn’t matter, does it?” I whisper, but I can feel that Remus is shaking.  
“Honestly, I don’t care, guys. I was only going to say that if you two need to be alone, to just tell me, and I’ll fuck off,” James tries, but the damage has been done. Remus keeps shaking, and I hold him, and I try to calm him down. He simply had not been ready to come out yet, and it shouldn’t have happened yet, not like this.  
“It’s okay,” I whisper, and I let go of him. I look him in the eyes, but he looks terrified. James gets up, comes over, and gives Remus a big hug. Even though this is his fucking fault to begin with. If he had kept his fucking mouth shut, everything would’ve been fine.  
“I don’t care, man,” James says, when he lets go of Remus, who is still shaking. “So you’re gay. Big fucking deal. So is Sirius,” James says, trying to make a joke, and Remus gets a small smile on his face. “It’s me who’s in the minority here.”  
“Mhm, but, you know, maybe we’ll manage to turn you before the end of year,” I laugh, and I put an arm around his shoulder and pretend to try and kiss him. He jokingly pretends to kiss me back, and Remus finally lets out a small chuckle.  
“Really, it’s no big deal,” James says, and we all sit down on Remus’ bed. “I’m actually happy for you two.”  
“Thanks,” Remus says, his voice still shaking, and I grab his hand. I flash James a grateful smile, because fuck knows he can be a right twat sometimes, but he’s also one of the best friends anyone can wish for. Not that I would tell him, because it would go right to his big fucking head. But yeah, James is a great guy.  
“So… when you said that on your trip, you slept with someone…,” James says, looking at Remus, and really? Remus has just had a panic attack, and you want to know if we’ve shagged? Fucking hell.  
“We…,” Remus begins, but then he looks at me. He’s still quite upset, so I’ll explain it for him.  
“I lied,” I admit. “I didn’t try and snog him. We got pissed one night, and had sex. We realised we liked each other and got together. Then after the trip we weren’t together, and that night when Peter lost it, we got together again.”  
“Did you know from each other, that you were gay?”  
“We told each other during our trip,” I explain, and just shut the fuck up, James. This is uncomfortable, and just shut up, and go away.  
“So when I made you two kiss… I basically got you two together.” Oh, for fuck sake.  
“Not really,” Remus says, seeming to have found his voice again. “I’m sure it would’ve happened anyway,” he adds, and my stomach makes a little jump. I try hard not to smile, but fuck, that was a lovely comment. I love him.

It’s the final week of the school year, and things have changed quite a bit. At first Remus had felt uncomfortable about James knowing about our relationship, so he still was only willing to hold my hand around him. But eventually he had felt more comfortable, especially when he saw how Lily and James were. He had realised that we are exactly the same as them, except for that we’re keeping our relationship from the rest of our school. But only because we don’t want the school to contact his parents about us. Fuck knows we don’t need them to know. But in our room we are like any other couple, and at night he sleeps in my bed. Nothing happens, except for some kissing. Because of course James is sleeping right next to us. And fucking hell, we’re not doing anything with him lying next to us. But during the day, he now stays away for a few hours sometimes, to give us some privacy. At first we would only kiss, but eventually we had slept with each other again. It had only been our second time, but it had felt so familiar, so natural, so perfect. And soon enough, whenever James gave us some time alone, it would take a matter of seconds for us to lock the door and get into bed. Like I said, we are now like any other couple.  
But unfortunately, it’s the final week of the school year, and Remus will have to go home for the summer. He had asked his parents if he could stay, to spend more time with me and James, not that James will actually be here, but they wouldn’t let him. So they are coming to pick him up on the final day, and then I won’t be able to see him in two months. James is leaving as well, but I’m going to stay with him for a few weeks, so at least I won’t be here on my own for the entire time. But of course I would’ve preferred to have Remus with me.  
“Are you sure you can’t convince them?” I ask. Remus and I are in bed, about to go to sleep. James is already asleep.  
“I can’t. They are already annoyed because my exams didn’t exactly go as planned.”  
“Sorry about that,” I laugh, and he playfully punches me in the arm. We had been making out in bed on the day of our exams, and we had forgotten the time. So we had been late, and they had taken 20% off our total score. I had only just managed to get through to next year, but Remus still had 74%, and for the rest of the year his grades had been perfect, so I really don’t see what the big fucking deal is. But his parents are really focussed on him getting perfect grades, so he will become some fucking genius or something. But who the fuck cares? As long as you get through to the next year, who cares what your grades are? Remus gets perfect grades, I only just manage to get through, and yet, we’re in the same place. So why bother trying to get good grades?  
“It was worth it,” he laughs, and he gives me a kiss. “But they won’t let me stay here now. They’re planning on taking me to all kinds of museums, to make sure I’ll learn new things. And they’ve hired a teacher, who will…”  
“I already hate them,” I interrupt him, and he smiles, and snuggles up to me. “Do you think I’ll ever have to properly meet them?” I ask, even though that is thinking about the future, and that is something I do not do. Well, didn’t used to do. I do now. I keep thinking about how things will be between me and Remus in the future. If we’ll still be together in a few years. And if not, if we’ll still be friends.  
“Probably,” he says, and I can feel that he is smiling. I can’t help but smile, because it means that he wants to be with me for at least a little while longer. I kiss the top of his head, and I close my eyes, falling asleep within minutes.


	13. Chapter 13

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

It’s been two days, and even though we’re all supposed to be in class, even though the exams are already over, most teachers have suspended the classes. Lily had come over as well, so the four of us are hanging out in our room. Lily and James cuddled up on James’ bed, Remus and I cuddled up on my bed.  
“… and she punched him right in the face,” Lily laughs. She had been telling some story about one of her friends who had found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her. To be honest, I wasn’t listening. I’m too fucking tired to listen. This morning, when James had gone to pick up Lily, Remus and I had enjoyed our time alone. But fucking hell, he must have read a book about sex or something, because he tried out new things that I had never even heard of. And now I feel as though I have ran forty marathons, without sleeping, in a week. I am exhausted, and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Remus seems to notice, and he gets a cheeky smile on his face. I see it, and I playfully punch him in the arm.  
“What the fuck happened this morning?” James asks.  
“You don’t want to know,” I say, and Lily raises an eyebrow. “Trust me. He seems like he is all sweet and shy, but once you’re gone, and the door is locked…”  
“Shut up,” Remus laughs, his face turning dark red. I laugh, and they all know that I’m only messing about. Fucking hell, I had meant it, because once we’re in bed, he sure as hell isn’t shy Remus. But I would never tell our friends about that in a serious way. I think Remus would find a way to punish me if I would… well, perhaps I should tell people things about him then… I give him a kiss, and he puts his head down on my chest again. But then the door swings open, and before we have even had the time to move away from each other, Remus’ parents have walked into the room.  
“What the…,” Mr. Lupin says, looking over at us, and Remus quickly gets up from of the bed, away from me. I had seen his parents only twice before, and they had looked at me as if I was a piece of shit under their shoe. Well, they probably would prefer to have a piece of shit under their shoe than to see me. Especially now.  
“What is going on?” Mrs. Lupin asks, and Remus look at me, a panicked look on his face.  
“Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, we…,” I try, but Mr. Lupin doesn’t even give me a chance to speak.  
“No. We need to speak to our son,” Mr. Lupin says, and James, Lily and I quickly leave. Fucking hell, we do not need to be here. Well, I want to be here for Remus, but I’d only make it worse. I flash him a supportive smile before leaving the room.

“What happened?” I ask, when we go back into our room. We had seen Remus’ parents leave, and had immediately gone back to our room, only to find Remus sitting on my bed, crying, his face buried in his hands. I sit down next to him, and wrap my arms around him.  
“I told them,” he says, and I let go of him. What did he tell them? He couldn’t possibly have told them the truth about me and him, could he? Fucking hell, Remus! “I came out to them.”  
“You did?”  
“What did they say?” Lily asks.  
“They said that it’s probably just a phase. So I told them that I’m in love with Sirius, and they said that that’s a phase as well. They blame this place,” he sobs, and he looks at me. “They’re transferring me to another school next year.”  
“They can’t do that. It’s our final year,” James says. Fuck this. I cannot lose Remus. Not now we have finally gotten together and things are finally perfect for us. Well, they were perfect, until his parents showed up.  
“Why were they here anyway?” Lily asks.  
“They wanted to surprise me and come pick me up a few days earlier.” Them showing up sure was a surprise. Fucking hell. “I don’t want to leave this place.”  
“You won’t. They probably just need some time to get their heads around the idea of you being gay and having a boyfriend, that’s all,” Lily tries, but we can all see how worried she is.  
“Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” James lies. And it’s great that they’re trying to comfort him. But if we’re all going to fucking lie to him, then how can we solve the fucking problem? They are taking Remus away. So how the hell are we going to stop them? But before I can say anything, they are coming back into the room.  
“Remus, we have spoken to your aunt Annabeth. You will be moving in with her for the summer, and after the summer you will be finishing your education somewhere else. We think it’s best for you,” Mrs. Lupin announces, and Remus’ sobs become louder again.  
“Please, just let him finish school here,” Lily tries, but Mrs. Lupin shoots her a glare.  
“They truly like each other, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that?” James tries.  
“I don’t see how any of this is your business.”  
“Remus is my friend, and so is Sirius. That’s how it’s my business.” Wow, you go James. “Surely it will only be worse for Remus’ education if he needs to switch schools now.”  
“Please let me stay here,” Remus begs, looking up at his parents. But there is nothing in their eyes but anger and determination. No hurt, no pain, no love, they aren’t feeling sorry for him. These people are fucking horrible.  
“Remus, you go and pack your bags. Now,” Mr. Lupin says. “Your flight is leaving tomorrow.”  
“Please.”  
“Flight?” I ask, looking confused. Where the hell does this aunt Annabeth live exactly?  
“She lives in America,” Remus explains.  
“Pack your bags, now!” Mr. Lupin says, raising his voice. “I am not telling you again.”  
“Please let him stay here. I’ll stay away from him,” I try. Because fucking hell. I cannot let Remus move to America. I cannot lose him. I love him too fucking much. I know that I wasn’t going to see him anyway for these two months, but knowing that he’ll be in America is too much.  
“Five minutes,” Mr. Lupin says, ignoring me, and he and his wife leave. We quickly help Remus pack his bags, not saying a word. I don’t think any of us know what to say. But then we have to say goodbye. Lily and James say goodbye first, and they say that they’ll see him again after the summer. But I’ve got a gut feeling that they won’t. The Lupins will do whatever they can to keep him away from all of us.  
“I don’t want you to go,” I say, tears stinging in my eyes, and he nods, tears still falling from his eyes. He wraps his arms around my neck, and I pull him so close that I’m afraid I’m hurting him. But fuck, I may not see him again for months. I don’t want to let go, but I have to, and I do. I let go of him, and I give him a kiss. It is the most heartbreaking kiss we have ever had, and after, he packs his bags, and leaves the room, expecting us to stay behind. But we follow him, and I grab one of his bags, and carry it for him. We follow them to the car, ignoring the Lupins’ death glares. Fucking hell, do I want to punch these people. I know that my family is horrible, but at least they don’t try to hide it, they are always horrible. These people are horrible, but pretend to do it for their son. They pretend to do what’s best for him, when it isn’t. When it is breaking his fucking heart.  
“I’m going to miss you. All of you,” he says, and he gets into the car. I can see him crying as they drive away, and I just break. I cannot put into words how much I love him. Beautiful Remus. Shy Remus. My best friend Remus. My boyfriend Remus. I love him with all my heart, my body, my brain, my soul. With whatever part you can love. I love him.

I’m sitting on my bed, staring at Remus’ empty bed, wondering when I will be able to see him again. I had expected to hear from him, but his parents must have taken his phone. So I won’t hear from him for months. I feel empty, hollow, like a part of me is missing. I feel sick to my stomach, weak for loving someone so much. But I can’t help it. I have simply fallen in love harder than I could have ever imagined. And it really fucking hurts.  
“What are you still doing here?” James asks, when he runs into the room, completely out of breath.  
“What?” Go away. Fuck off, and leave me alone. I’m in pain, can’t you see?  
“His flight is leaving in two hours.”  
“So?”  
“Your boyfriend is going to America, because his parents are forcing him to, and he’s not coming back. And all you can say is ‘so’?” What the fuck is he talking about?  
“Not coming back?”  
“Didn’t he let you know?” Let me know what? Fucking hell, James. Explain, you stupid son of a bitch!  
“No.”  
“Last night his parents told him that he’ll have to finish his education over in America. He’s moving in with his aunt until he has graduated.”  
“Why didn’t he tell me?” Aren’t we supposed to be in a relationship? Aren’t you supposed to tell your other half when you’re moving to the other side of the world? Or do I have too high standards? Fucking hell!  
“Maybe he didn’t know how to say goodbye? Maybe it’s too painful?” James suggests.  
“We’ve got to go and say goodbye,” I say, and the spoiled brat rolls his eyes.  
“I know, that’s why I was so surprised that you were still here. Come on, there’s a taxi waiting,” he says. And fuck, am I glad that he has money. If we would have had to take the bus, we would have never made it in time. We run out of the school, and get into the taxi. James instruct the driver where to go, and I grab my phone to check for messages again. But nothing. I try calling Remus, but he isn’t answering. So James tries, but there’s no answer. I feel sick, because this cannot be happening. Remus cannot be moving to America for at least another year. He’ll forget about me, and we’ll lose what we have. I don’t want to fucking lose it.  
“I love him,” I say, and James looks at me with his eyes wide open. I have never said the l-word out loud, not like that. Not with this meaning. “I really fucking love him, James.”  
“I know,” he says, and he checks his phone again. For the rest of the drive there, we just keep trying to contact Remus, but with no luck. As soon as the taxi stops, we jump out. James throws money back at the driver, and we run into the airport. James checks to see where we have to go, while I’m looking around for Remus. But then James drags me along, to where everyone has to check-in. And I see Remus, with his parents. He looks awful, as if he has cried all night long, and as if he is about to fall apart. Fuck, I hate seeing him like this. I just want to go over and hug him. But there are hundreds of people in front of me.  
“Remus!” I shout, and he turns around, but he doesn’t see me. So I try again.  
“Remus Lupin, you get your fucking ass over here. Now!” James shouts, at the top of his lungs, and everyone is looking at him. Because here he is, a posh teenage boy, together with me, who looks like a tramp, shouting at someone. Remus has now seen us, and he tries to get to us, but his parents are holding him back. But he manages to break free, and he runs towards us, his parents quickly following.  
“What are you doing here?” he asks.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I’m not even sure what I feel most. Anger about him not telling me that he’s moving to America, or hurt because I’m losing him. But when I see the pain in his eyes, I know the answer. I feel pain. Yes, I am angry. But it doesn’t even matter. The anger doesn’t even begin to compare to how much pain I am feeling.  
“I didn’t know how to,” he says. “And I didn’t want to say goodbye.” I can see that he’s telling the truth, and that he’s in as much pain as I am. More, because it’s him who is forced to move. Because of me. Well, not all because of me. But mostly because of me.  
“Remus!” Mrs. Lupin says, looking angry. “We need to leave, now.”  
“At least let him say goodbye to his boyfriend, will you?” James asks, shooting a glare at her.  
“I don’t want to go,” Remus whispers, looking heartbroken. I don’t give a fuck that his parents are here, and that people are still looking at us. I wrap my arms around him, and I hold him tightly. I can feel him shaking, and honest to god, I just want to take him in my arms and run away with him. But I know I can’t. It would only get him into more trouble.  
“I’m going to miss you so fucking much,” I whisper, and I close my eyes. Remus’ hands are clinging onto my back, and I can feel his grip tightening.  
“I can’t lose you, Sirius.”  
“You won’t. I’ll still be here when you get back,” I say, and I open my eyes again. I lean back, so I can see his face, and I brush the hair out of his face. “I promise.”  
“Thank you.” Thank you? Fucking hell, Remus. You do not need to thank me. I don’t have a choice, do I? I think I’d fall apart if I wouldn’t. I hate to admit it, because I feel like some weak lovesick puppy, but without you, I’m nothing. But if I’d tell you that, you’d probably laugh at me. Fuck, I would laugh at me.  
“Remus, we need to leave. Now,” Mr. Lupin says, looking more annoyed than ever. We give each other a kiss, our final one for a long time, and let go of each other. Remus gives James a big hug, and then follows his parents. But this feels wrong. I love him. I do. And yes, I sound like a lovesick puppy. And yes, we’ve only been together for a little while. But fuck, I love him, and he needs to know before he leaves.


	14. Chapter 14

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/31856958017/in/dateposted-public/)

“Remus?” I yell, before they go through the passport control. He turns around, and looks at me, tears in his eyes. James and I run over to them, and his parents look absolutely furious. But fuck them. I grab Remus’ hand, and I look down at it for a second. I haven’t lost my guts, have I? But then I look up at his face, and no, I haven’t. “I love you.” There, I said it. I love him. I love Remus Lupin. I am head over heels in love with Remus Lupin. Beautiful Remus. My best friend Remus. My boyfriend Remus. His face turns a dark shade of red at first, but then he gets the biggest, sweetest smile on his face.  
“I love you too,” he says, and he puts his hand on the side of my face and kisses me, while I’m still holding his other hand.  
“Oh, for pity’s sake,” Mrs. Lupin says. “This has gone far enough. Remus!”  
“I can’t,” Remus says, and he turns to face his parents. “I can’t go to America.”  
“Yes, you can, and you will. You are going to live with your aunt Annabeth, and you will stay there until you have gotten through this silly phase,” Mrs. Lupin says. Fucking hell, what is wrong with these people? “We will not let you throw away your education and your career for some silly crush.”  
“It’s not some silly crush. I love him,” Remus tries, but his mother just rolls her eyes.  
“That is enough,” Mr. Lupin says, and he grabs Remus’ arm, and tries to drag him away. But Remus pulls himself loose, looking angrier and stronger than I have ever seen him.  
“No,” he says. “I am not going. I want to stay with my friends. With Sirius.”  
“Remus John Lupin,” Mrs. Lupin begins, but Remus doesn’t even give her the chance to finish what she was going to say. Fucking hell do I want to kiss him right now. Because he is looking really goddamned hot when he is angry.  
“Yes, I am gay, but that isn’t going to change if you ship me off to America. I’ll still be gay when I come back. And yes, I am dating Sirius, but that has no influence on my education whatsoever.” Well, that’s not true. “The only influence it has on my life is that I am now happier. I have amazing friends, a boyfriend who means the goddamned world to me… and you want to take that away from me?” he spits out, looking furious. I look over at James, who is looking as impressed as I am. Because wow, where did shy Remus go? We are in the middle of an airport, and people are staring at him, and here he is, shouting at his parents.  
“Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, I know how important school is to Remus. I would do nothing to try and ruin that for him,” I say, but fuck, that isn’t true. We all know he was late for his exams because of me. And he would have gotten even better grades at the end of the year if I hadn’t distracted him while he had been making his homework. But fuck, there’s no need for them to know that. “I want him to succeed, because he means a lot to me,” I say. Wow, I actually sound quite alright at the moment. Fuck, before you know it, they may actually think I’m a good influence on Remus. I would, if I wouldn’t know me. Well, maybe not. I still look like a tramp. But I sure as hell can try. “He means the world to me, and I will do everything I can, to help him with his education. So please don’t think that I would be a distraction.”  
“See?” Remus says, and I see that James is trying hard not to laugh, because the bastard knows exactly what happened with the exams.  
“That’s true,” he says. “Please let him stay here.”  
“Please,” Remus tries, but I can see that those fuckers still don’t care about his feelings.  
“I will not stand for this,” Mr. Lupin says, and I can see Remus breaking down. “You, young man, are getting on that flight, or…”  
“Or what?” Remus asks, fighting his tears. I grab his hand, and his mother just rolls her eyes. “You’ll kick me out? You’ll stop loving me? You don’t want me as a son anymore? Because when you send me to America, I’ll be gone anyway. You won’t have a son anymore. And if you’ll stop loving me? What will change?” he asks, and a silence follows. His parents don’t even answer. They can’t even manage to say that they do love him. “I see,” he says.  
“Come on, let’s go,” James says. “You can both stay at my house.”  
“But your belongings…,” Mrs. Lupin tries, but Remus shrugs.  
“I don’t need them,” he says, and without saying another word, the three of us leave the airport. We get a taxi, and drive to James’ house, neither of us saying a word. What can we say? This wasn’t supposed to happen. And what the fuck will happen now? Will they contact him? Will he have to go back to them? Will they drag him off to America anyway? Or has he just lost his family? Has he just become homeless?  
“What are you doing here?” Mrs. Potter asks when the three of us walk into the living room of their mansion. She is sitting there, reading a book. The Potters, like I have mentioned, are handsome rich bastards, and they probably think I’m shit, but they always treat me like one of their own. They are great. “Weren’t you supposed to be in school for another couple of days?”  
“We were, but…,” James says, and he explains what has happened.  
“Oh dear, come here,” Mrs. Potter says, and she gives Remus a big hug. “Let’s go and make a cup of tea,” she says, and we follow her to the kitchen. We all sit down at the kitchen table, and after she has made us tea, and has given us all fresh cookies, she joins us.  
“I’m sorry for showing up here,” Remus says, but Mrs. Potter shakes her head.  
“You’re always welcome here, love. And so are you, Sirius. James’ friends are like family to us,” she says, flashing a loving smile. “I don’t understand how your parents can be so awful. I am sorry, because I don’t want to insult your family, but bloody hell, would I like to just smack some sense into them. How can two adults be so stupid? If you’re gay, you’re gay. Going to the other side of the world isn’t going to change that. Bloody hell.” she says, and we all can’t help but laugh. Here she is, looking posh as fuck, in her perfect dress which cost a fortune, a pearl necklace, pearl earrings, her hair perfectly tied up. And yet, she is probably cooler than any other parent we know. “I’m sorry, but when it comes to that subject, I can get a little wound up.”  
“Mum’s brother is gay,” James explains.  
“He had a terrible time at school. And then our parents were just like your parents. God, did I hate them. But he’s happily married now, so you see, things might seem awful now, but before you know it, you’re an adult, and you’re happily married,” Mrs. Potter says, and I can feel my heart starting to race. I know she’s only trying to comfort Remus, but fucking hell, I am his boyfriend. When you talk about him getting married, you talk about either me getting married, or about me getting dumped so he can get married to someone else. So fuck. Remus flashes a small smile at me, and my insides make a little jump. What? Did he like the idea of marriage? Or did he just feel a little happier again? What was that? Talk to me, Remus!

Remus and I are in bed, but we can’t sleep. Today has been too much for both of us. After we had gotten there, and had finished our tea and cookies, Mrs. Potter had called the school to explain what had happened. She had also arranged for someone to bring our belongings to the mansion, so we wouldn’t have to go back and pick them up. We were allowed to stay for the summer, and after the school year, we will have to get a job, to pay rent. Only a little, so we can also save up to get our own place. James had been angry about us having to pay rent, but we don’t mind. Fuck, at least we’re not homeless. I don’t mind, but Remus deserves better. He deserves the best.  
“I love you,” he whispers, as he looks into my eyes, and I can’t help but smile. He is so goddamned beautiful. Pure fucking beauty, Remus is. The sweetest, kindest, most beautiful person I have ever met. And he loves me. Just the thought of it makes my heart jump. I brush the hair out of his face, and kiss him.  
“I love you too.”  
“So ehm… when Mrs. Potter said ehm… you know…,” he nervously stutters. I can’t help but smile, because even now, when he’s nervous and blushing, he is still the most beautiful creature. I love him so fucking much. “What she said, about the future.”  
“About marriage?”  
“Do you want to get married one day?” he asks. Fuck, Remus. You know that I don’t think about the future. Fuck knows what the future brings… I think. I guess. But I do. I do want to marry him one day. I do want to stay with him, get a place to live, get married, start a family… I want all of that. I want my future to be that. Fuck, I have become one of those people who starts planning things for the future. Fuck you, Remus. This is all your fault. And I still blame James. And Rambo and thingy. I blame them as well.  
“I guess,” I say, feeling nervous, and the nervous smile on his face grows. I guess he liked the answer then.  
“Good,” he says, and he snuggles up to me. I wrap my arms around him, and kiss the top of his head, and I can’t help but smile. Fuck knows what the future may bring. For all I know, his parents are coming to pick him up to take him away from me tomorrow. Or he gets sick of the sight of me in a couple of weeks. Or he meets someone else. Or we’ll simply fall out of love. Not that I think I ever will stop loving him. I think I’d sooner die. All I know is that I am in love with him. And he is in love with me. And when I look at him, my heart skips a beat. I want to protect him, hold him, keep him safe. And I want to kiss him, hug him, touch him, hold his hand. I want to travel the world with him, go to boring museums just to see him smile. But I also want to talk to him, tell him all my secrets, listen to all of his secrets, laugh with him, even cry with him. Or sometimes just spend time with him, in silence. Just being with him. As long as he’s with me, it’s enough. When he’s around, I feel complete. And if that isn’t what love is, then fuck knows what love is.  
But I really, truly fucking love him. Shy Remus. My best friend Remus. My boyfriend Remus. Beautiful Remus…  
Pure fucking beauty, Remus is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this until the end!! xx


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